‘Social Mobility’ Latest Libservative Scam

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg has, while dressed in sackcloth and doused with ashes - and in the presence of a conclave of ecclesiastical bishops - flagellated himself raw and sworn on the body of a dead heron that he intends to devote his time in office putting a stop to people getting on in life purely because of ‘who they know’ – which unfortunately covers the majority of Shitehall’s civil service and the entire Tory MP contingent of the fatally-flawed coalition.

The DPM was on the ball and has announced for the public record that he’s now ready to launch his social mobility and child poverty strategies– which opposition critics and detractors in the House of Conmans claim has as much chance of working as Prince Chazzer has of ever becoming King.
However, not to be put off by career pessimists, Clogg explained to one reporter from the Nepotism Gazette that no-one should get an unfair advantage because their parents have "met some elitist panjandrum while playing croquet or over cocktails at the golf club’s 19th hole – or during an al fresco wife-swapping clusterfuck down in Doggers Wood.

The well-meaning Cloggy - and bless this sudden attack of Lloyd-George style social conscience, for what it’s worth - aims to end all informal work placements in Shitehall and Westminster and intends to ‘encourage’ private businesses to do likewise – a task that might prove to be compared to shovelling a midden of over-ripe pigshit uphill – unless the ‘encouragement’ is doled out with a big stick and threats of legal censure and fiscal penalties for non-compliance.

A copy of Cloggy’s intended strategies, published this morning in the sports pages of the Simony Review, states that one in five sprogs from the UK’s sink or swim social housing estates are eligible for free school meals, yet only one in a hundred study at Oxford or Cambridge universities – which is hardly surprising now this same government have hiked further education tuition fees from ‘barely affordable’ to £9,000 quid a year.
Moreover, although just 7% of the population attend Britain’s exorbitantly-priced public schools, their ex-pupils comprise 90% of High Court judges, 97% of the roll call on the sex offenders register, 84% of CEOs of FTSE 100 companies, 95% of MPs infesting the House of Conmans, and 100% of the City’s top-ranking banksters – a factor of improbity that the Clogg puts down to favouritism and the abuse of patronage.

The government has appointed Sir Irwin Fuctifino, head civil service honcho at the ‘What Can We Fuck With Next’ Ministry, to monitor its progress on a series of indicators, including whether snobbish top universities are allowing enough state-school educated kids through their hallowed portals.

Sir Irwin opined to the BBC’s ‘Beggars Can’t Be Choosers’ programme "Sadly, we still live in a country where, invariably, if you're born poor, you die poor. In fact, the way the Libservative tax system’s being re-configured by Chancellor Osborne, and the imposition of this catastrophic domestic austerity scheme, even if you’re born wealthy than there’s a good chance you’re still going to end up in a pauper’s grave. Just as if you go to a low-achieving school, you tend to end up with an Asbo as your only accomplishment award – and maybe an NVQ1 in welfare benefit fraud if you’re lucky.”

Conversely the University and College Union, which represents lecturers and affiliated staff, claim raising tuition fees and scrapping the Education Maintenance Allowance has now counteracted any attempt to alter social mobility – apart from sending it into a negative and downward spiral.

The union’s general secretary Sally Khunt informed a gaggle of gutter press news hacks “Mr Clogg has made lots of positive noises about the importance of social mobility, but the actions of the government tell a wholly different story with Posh Dave Scameron and his Tory pondscum mates auctioning off internships with some of the country's top financial institutions at their recent Black and White Party event to raise party funds – with supporters coughing up thousands of quid to get their children work experience in the City’s banks and hedge funds. This is a yet another obscene and crass example of rich Tories buying privilege.”

“So, once again we’re cursed with a government where the right hand hasn’t got a fucking clue what the left hand is doing. Here we have Cloggy promoting his ‘feel nice’ do-gooder social mobility and child poverty strategies - while Cabbage Patch Dave Scameron and the Tories are flogging off benefices in secret at their press-excluded Black and White Party - alike some corrupt Roman Catholic cleric from the Middle Ages. Is this actually promoting our ‘Big Society’ – the one where we’re ‘all in it together’? I know where our end of it is – up shitcreek without a paddle. Damn this elitist Tory fraternity and their absurd sense of entitlement.”

Bazzer McScrunt, the director of Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, told one journalist from the Simony Review “It’s all-right fer these Horray Henrys an’ Gallopin’ Godfrey poofter types from public school cos their parents are effin’ wadded. When I left school I went ter the Jobcentre an’ they sez ‘Wot yer wanna do?’ – so I sez ‘I wanna manage one of them effin’ hedge funds’ – so I gets sent ter work fer this gardenin’ geezer an’ he gives me a pair of shears an’ sez “If yer interested in hedge funds then go an’ get on wiv cuttin’ the privet.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.