Sunday, 24 April 2011

Pestco Stage ‘Easter Blaze-athon’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Scores of people were arrested and eight police officers sufficiently traumatised to the extent they had to receive emergency legal advice from a gaggle of ambulance-chasing lawyers and filed a swathe of personal injury claims following violent clashes with Bolshie demonstrators at Smegmadale-on-Sea, sparked by an Anarchy Now organised military-style raid on a newly-opened branch of the ‘Pestco Extra’ Greedy Grocer supermarket chain.

The ill-feeling towards the siting of the store dates back to March 2010 when a row of semi-derelict cottages in the Pikeys Crotch bohemian commune area of Smegmadale, specifically Slumborough Terraces, was sequestered under a compulsory purchase order issued by a cabal of bent local councillors - and court bailiffs from the Renta-Thug Security Agency used brute force to evict scores of squatters who had ‘legally’ occupied the empty dwellings - to facilitate the property’s demolition and the construction of the disputed Pestco supermarket.

Since the evictions the marginalised squatters have been forced to camp out in the adjacent Doggers Woods, with the Anarchy Now militant nihilist group taking up their cause and threatening retribution against the capitalist usurpers following the mortal demise of several of the artsy colony’s senior members, including Dinsdale Spatchcock, the internationally-renowned ‘nose flute’ busker, who collectively stripped to their birthday suits and froze to death during last winter’s weeks-long sub-zero cold snap - as a felo-de-se protest against their eviction and the building of the despised supermarket and all that such monopolising establishments present to the dislocation of traditional and parochial society.

People living in the area who opposed the siting of the Pestco store petitioned several council meetings prior to the evictions and demolitions that they didn’t wish to see Pikeys Crotch lose its colourful artistic character and feared small scale local businesses would be threatened by the dirty discount sales tactics fielded by the Greedy Grocer supermarket chains – all to no avail – hence their remaining singular option of resorting to violent means to broadcast their protest nationally.

Seventy-plus radical demonstrators were arrested and charged with public order offences which ranged from throwing petrol bombs into the supermarket, looting, and crucifying the Pestco manager with a Happy Easter sign hung around his neck and several Cadbury’s cream eggs rammed up his back passage.

Six hundred plods from the Smegmadale Riot Unit were mobilised to quell the disturbance and fought running battles with hundreds of protesters, who showered them with hails of bricks, bottles and poop-scoop bags filled with ripe dogshit in an effort to get their bank holiday weekend message across.

The Pestco chain’s CEO, Shylock Scattstein told the media, “We build them a nice new store but these communist Luddite types want to stay with shitty little corner shops and their alternative Dark Ages lifestyle, so they burn the supermarket down to the ground as a protest – and when the Fire Brigade arrive they take sides with the protesters and just sit and watch as the place goes up in flames. So, we’ll get the insurance money from this disaster and build a branch where people will appreciate it.”

Conversely, Gnasher McScrote, the radical author of the acclaimed iconoclastic condemnation of credit card capitalism and our materialistic society: ‘A Day in the Life of a Soft-Boiled Egg’ - and spokesman for the revolutionary Anarchy Now dissident group - told one press hack from the Daily Shitraker “We’re a schismatic community of non-conformist writers, poets, artists an’ minstrels wot’s given the Big Society the effin’ finger – so bollocks ter these Freemason twats wot’s runnin’ the effin’ council - classin’ us as a bunch of perv’s an’ vagrant alkies an’ drug addict scum an’ havin’ us all evicted from Pikeys Crotch wot’s bin our effin’ home fer years. Effin’ discrimination is wot we calls it – why don’t they just put up an effin’ big sign sayin’ “No Pikeys or Gyppos!” an’ have bleedin’ done wiv it.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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