Plods to be Replaced with Vigilantes

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Typical of our Libservative coalition’s parsimonious ‘Scameronomics’ approach to cost cutting (while obviously not focusing on their own bloated Parliamentary salaries, expense and pension benefits) by scheduling the redundancy of half the UK’s police force to save a few nicker and introducing a fatally flawed scheme to hire a bunch of untrained Renta-Plod wannabe community pariahs to take over at a cost of sweet fuck all.

The tried and tested ‘Responsible Citizen / Patriotism’ thought control propaganda stratagem was employed for the selection of the volunteer 'vigilantes' – who are now getting kitted out with ‘shiny buttons’ uniforms and high-viz Renta-Moron jackets to patrol the streets as part of a national trial to help the decimated Plod Squad combat crime in parts of Smegmashire by being on the look-out for troublemakers – a scheme eventually intended to be implemented from Land’s End to John O’Scrotes.

The Smegmadale-on-Sea vigilantes are the first in the country to pilot the Snitch & Grasser Team project - the brainchild of the Cabinet Behavioural Insight Team (aka Scameron’s ‘Nudge Unit’) – viewed by the Home Office as an extended Neighbourhood Watch Stasi concept in which the local back-biters and shit-stirrers will be tasked with being on the lookout for petty crimes - such as stealing manhole covers, setting fire to pensioners, nailing cats to lamp posts and other minor anti-social behaviour misdemeanours.

While the vigilantes won't be expected to assist court bailiffs to kick in front doors, search properties or arrest anyone just ‘yet’ – unless they have their own assault rifles - they will, in the first instance, report back to one of the three regional police HQs spread strategically across the entire Eurozone.

So, if our ‘vigilante volunteers’ in Birmingham spot some scally holding up one of the city’s numerous Stop n Rob convenience stores all they have to do is get on their radio to the InterPlodCom centre in Brussels and provide the DGPS coordinates of the ‘crime’ scene and the operator will then contact the EUSSR’s Financial Comptroller in Strasbourg to request permission to activate the CCTV camera system for that area of Brummistan and take a snapshot of the offenders for future reference – if the yobsters in question haven’t already done a bunk and fled the field for larcenous pastures new.

Apparently bonny Scotland’s hotbed of graft and corruption, Edinburgh’s Holyrood Parliament, has launched its own system, operating independently of the Brussels InterPlodCom centre, so if some local worthy – such as one of the judiciary’s bent Fiscals or Sheriffs - is espied grooming potential juvenile catamites or engaging in a spot of kiddie fiddling with disabled or special needs girls around Grampian’s crime capital of Scaberdeen, they simply call up the Stonehaven police comm’s centre and receive the usual ‘busy’ signal or get through to the answering machine to be electronically informed “See you, Jimmy – leave yer message after the tone an’ we might get back to yer.”

So, this is obviously the Sun Tzu chess master strategy to address and overcome the shortage of plods getting laid off due the government’s draconic social spending budget cuts. Recruiting a bunch of unpaid sociopaths and community pariahs – the type who have wet dreams of wielding power and control over others - and probably dominated their pet rabbit or hamster or goldfish as a child – signed up as official Renta-Snitches, all kitted out with a radio and hi-viz jacket.

The Home Office Secretary, Theresa Maybe, picked Smegmadale-on-Sea for the initial trial run with the town suffering from massive anti-social behaviour and criminal-damage problems - due the majority of its youth being unemployed and unable to afford further education – hence social delinquency and vandalism have replaced apathy and boredom – with this Big Brother beady eye spying simply representing fuck all more than a desperate stop-gap solution rather than addressing the actual problem and creating jobs before National Crime Week breaks out.

So far the volunteer vigilantes have been out and about wearing their Tweetie Pie canary yellow jackets branded with the logo ‘Renta-Twat Street Watch' across the shoulders and focusing on a census tally of all the piles of unscooped dogshit around the town’s High Street and the council’s sink or swim housing estates, but will soon move on to handing out on-the-spot fines, Asbo’s and community service orders to lick the pavements clean.
However, the Home Office has guaranteed that the ‘Vigilantes’ will most definitely not be granted official licence to give some young offending scrote a good kicking - or organise lynch mobs that result in gangs of yobs and scallies swinging by their necks from lamp posts like geranium baskets.

Just to reassure the communities involved that these pillocks are qualified to undertake the tasks in hand, the ‘Vigilante Specials’ must be no more than a couple of stones overweight and pass mental competency tests to prove they’re not total megalomaniacs - and can read, write and count to ten - before they’re allowed to join up and become part of the neighbourhood Gestapo.

Thought for the day: Fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and this Kafkaesque al fresco panopticon of social surveillance - and fuck the EUSSR and the New World Order for good measure too.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.