Poofters Tossed Out of London Pub

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Two men, who candidly described themselves as ‘a bit gay’, have told press hacks of how they were ordered to leave a central London pub after a member of staff objected to them snogging at the bar.
Rupert Gammer, 23, a resident of Pikey’s Crotch, told a reporter from the Cottagers Gazette that he and his friend Ginger Simon, 26, were thrown out of the Jolly Fudgers pub in St Sodoms Square, Soho for having a quick smooch and a cuddle.

Rupert, a Samaritans call centre counsellor, articulating in his best Polari, continued “I mean to say, it isn’t as though we were having a quick charver in the khazi as we simply don’t do tootsies trade. We were just gargling a few drinkies and chatting about our friend Bradley’s remould job in Morocco and getting a bit giggly perhaps about him having the full cut and tuck and calling himself Blanche."
"Anyways, I gave Ginger Simon a peck on the lips and had a quick grope of his willets and stuck my tongue in his ear, then this piece of rough trade who says he’s the Landlord comes over and calls us a pair of ‘iron hoofs’ and threatens to kick us out of the bungery if we carried on being obscene.”

“Well, we promised to behave our naughty selves and had another Migraine Mixers or three, and Ginger kept fondling my crotch so I got all hot and bothered and gave him a big sloppy kiss, then this naff old baggage with tattoos on her forearms and horrid dentistry came up behind the bar and says to me “Right, enough’s enough - you and yer bitch can eff off out of here right now – if not sooner!” – so we scarpers double quick before someone got a good slapping.”

Ginger Simon, a Kentish Town manicurist who only recently poked his head out of the closet door, confided to the media that he was “left traumatised and shaking and in tears – with mascara running down me cheeks and me new silk Jimmy Choo-Choo blouse” - after Mrs Chlamydia McSlagg, the pub's landlady, told them to “Piss off down Doggers Woods where yer belong wiv the rest of the arse bandit faggots.”

Rupert and Ginger Simon today posted a graphic description of their terrifying experience on Facebook, cyberspace’s number one social backstabbing website – with a warning to all those of the gay persuasion to boycott the Jolly Fudgers pub – and after filing a complaint with the Soho Plod Squad for discrimination on sexual grounds, have further forwarded a second complaint to Troublespot Taverns, the pub’s owners, who are now part of the giant Pitbull Brewery group.

Ms Mingeeter Dildodo, a legal beagle with Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot (Solicitors) and a gay rights activist, informed one press hack from the red top Rugmunchers Review “This type of treatment of gay persons is not on and I’ll be pushing the Met’s police force to fully investigate the matter and file charges under the statutes of the Anti-Discrimination Act 2003.”

Conversely, the Landlord of the Jolly Fudger, Mr Genghis McSlagg, informed the media “It ain't a matter of homophobia but we don’t need a couple of effeminate douchebag turd burglars comin’ in our pub an’ getting’ pissed an’ rabbitin’ on about the joys an’ delights of anal sex wiv another bloke while they’re stood at the bar fiddlin’ wiv each other’s privates - then goin' around mixin' wiv polite society an’ spreadin’ this AIDS thing wot all these bumboy types seem ter catch.”
“Seriously, I kid you not, it does my effin’ head in ter see some geezer wearin’ a tart’s makeup wiv his tongue down another bloke’s throat an’ gropin his crotch. Like the Bible sez – poofters are an abomination – an yer don’t wanna start arguing wiv the Bible an’ the word of God now do yer.”

“It’s not that long ago it woz a criminal offence wot carried a custodial sentence – then a bunch of shirt lifters in Parliament got a law passed in 1967 wot made it legal fer blokes ter shag each other like two dogs goin’ at it – an’ wiv all this political correctness an’ equal rights an’ discrimination bullshit yer can’t even object ter their disgustin’ public behaviour. So wot stupid law are they gonna pass next – make it compulsory ter be a poof an’ take it up the arse?”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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