Ivory Coast Fubar Tops Libya Snafu

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Gallic-named Republique de Côte d'Ivoire, more commonly known as the ‘Ivory Coast’ due it’s historic trade in snooker balls and piano keys (both black and white), is currently enjoying a cathartic spot of ‘self-determination’ in the form of a nation-wide civil war – with the frenetic assistance of their former colonial rulers – the foul and most foreign French – and demonstrating their boundless capacity for ‘self-sabotage’.

So typical of Third World African shitholes left to get on with it themselves in the post-colonisation era, the Ivory Coast sank into basket case mode after the Frogs pulled out in 1960 and Felix Hoolahoop-Bodgeup, a former wheelbarrow mechanic, declared himself President for Life (if not longer) of the one-party state by right of the fact he was the only one in the capital Abidjan who could read and write - and count up to ten.

As history often demonstrates, life can be a real bitch, and Hoolahoop-Bodgeup was overthrown by a local lad with the nigh-on unpronounceable surname of ‘Gbagbo’ (Ger-bag-boo) , first name Laurent - after the faggot toiletries brand.
He was backed up by his politically-active missus Simone, a summa-cum-laude graduate of the Abidjan Institute for Advanced Kleptocracy, who was possessed with some quite radical ideas on land reform and wealth redistribution – specifically to redirect the flow of such into her personal Swiss bank accounts in Geneva.

Simone might well be a victim of self-delusion, alike career bottom-feeding scumbags Eva Peron and Imelda Marcos before her, and often boast to the media she’s a living saint whose halo will one day shine for all to see.
Hmmm, in our worldly experience, a halo is often a noose that hasn’t quite slipped into place yet.
To wit, Simone Gbangbo was criminally liable for sanctioning the murder in Abidjan of French-Canadian journalist Guy-André Kieffer for researching an expose of her involvement in organising death squads and ordering extra-judicial killings of political and commercial opponents – plus a stack of sundry human rights and wrongs abuses- all of which are still under investigation by the UN.

However, after years of oligarch abuses, a presidential election was finally held in November 2010 and monitored by the United Nations Oversight Committee on Outright Cheating, who declared and certified that the opposition 'Very Honest' party leader, Mr Lasagne Ourat-a-tat, had won the vote – a sore point since disputed by the Gbagbo clan – especially so on constitutional grounds as they claim he’s ‘a Muslim foreign monkey’ – being born in the northerly neighbouring cesspit of Burkino Faso - and further damned by his worship of Islam.
But to the international eye Gbagbo is now seen as just another African Anti-Christ despot destroying his country by refusing to accept defeat at the ballot box.

Since November President Lasagne Ourat-a-tat and his Western-backed rebel militia comprised of Tonton Macoute thugs and homicidal maniacs led by the Muslim radical General Ras al Shitbag and the psychopathic Colonel Sambo Mogambo have been pushing south to stage yet another of the ever-popular African Third World ‘Machete Massacre’ ethnic cleansing extravaganzas – descending on the capital Abidjan this past week and killing everyone old enough to bleed.

Using the United Nation’s new policy of ‘selective intervention’ and ‘humanitarian warfare’ doctrine to protect the lives of civilians caught up in violent conflicts, the UN authorised a French contingent to intervene and kick the Gbagbo clan’s arse out before he and his thieving wife get chopped into dogmeat live on CNN or Sky News and spoil everyone’s luncheon.

Conversely, Gbangbo and Co are now ensconced in his fortified Presidential Palace with around a thousand troops whose loyalty was assured last weekend when he paid them their back wages in cash.
Apparently when President Ourat-a-tat’s forces attacked the Presidential residence, located in a top end postal code chic district of Abidjan, First Lady Simone Gbangbo dialled 911 and called for police assistance – which was unfortunately not forthcoming as the city's Plod Squad were busy out looting the deserted shopping malls in Omar bin Scrote Square – along with the rest of the population – and half the rebel army.

The remainder of Abidjan’s population of four million have foresworn looting opportunities and remained indoors after days of heavy fighting which saw the ever-belligerent French mobilise helicopter gunships to attack Mr Gbangbo's military supporters on the streets of the city – with one Shitehawk missile hitting the downtown Cheesy Crust Church for Latter Day Pizzas, and killing most of the congregation, including the Very Reverend Winnebago Coconut.

The UN force’s French commander, General Aldous le Merde, informed the prestigious French daily gutter press red top tabloid, Le Commode, that various senior ranking military officers loyal to the besieged ex-President Gbangbo – General Yodcocca Tadpole, Brigadier Wormhole Chuckabutty, Colonel Cletus O’Dinga and Major Julius Jaffacake - were negotiating a truce and terms of surrender in return for guarantees of safety for his family and themselves.

In direct contrast to this peaceful pursuit, rebel leader Colonel Sambo Mogambo – a former meerkat strangler who came to political prominence after killing his neighbours, the Jones’s, with a tyre iron for boasting they’d paid up their annual council tax bill in advance and been given a ten per cent discount – boasted to a war correspondent from the Genocide Gazette that "We are going to get Laurent Gbagbo out of his hole and hand him over to the new President of the Republic – with his head missing. This intransigence on Gbagbo’s part to admit he lost the election just goes to show what a stubborn prick he really is.”

Alas, none of the participants can see the black hands of the multinational corporation puppet-masters in the shadows – the Kurumaku – steering political events from behind the scenes to serve their own advantage – to the detriment of the many and the benefit of the few.

These powers that be had grown tired of their despot and his family abuses and it was time for a change of regime. Alas, the Third World officialdom’s venal bribery system is by its very nature corrupt – thus all bribes can be outbid by larger bribes and hence all is accessible – and too counter-corruptible – and the Rothshite crime syndicate owned Western commercial interests – such Wall Street and FTSE Index quoted darlings as ‘Allied Extortion SA’ and ‘Robber Baron Industries’ were getting their noses pushed out by the corporate agents of the People’s Marxist Utopia of China.

Basically it makes no odds at the end of the day which tyrant’s in office. There are no safeguards against human nature, and alone or collectively they’re all a bunch of bottom feeding scumbags that once they get into power they’ll sup with the Devil and do anything to stay there – even cause a civil war.

All are stooges for the ZioNazi US-Western multi-national cabal seeking monopolistic access to, and control of, the Ivory Coast’s natural resource wealth – specifically the vast offshore Marmite reserves (estimated to exceed 40 billion barrels) and the highly lucrative Cocoa Pops farmlands.

Anxious to get the last word in before an artillery shell hits his compound’s underground Fuhrer bunker and speaking by cellphone to the Autocrat's Review, Mr Gbangbo was adamant when he pronounced “I am still de President. How can we have Lasagne Ourat-a-tat as president when he’s a foreigner from Burkino Faso – one of dem Johnny Wannabes an’ a Muslim terrorist type too. I mean ta say – it might be okay havin’ a Kenyan Muslim darkie bein’ de President of de United States an’ a cuckoo in de Oval Office but dat’s not gonna work here.”

Thought for the day: All Mr Gbangbo and Mr Ourat-a-tat need is a spot of détente, so why not run off a carbon copy clone of Britain’s fucked-up political system and form a coalition - then they can both be president.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.