In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, the vulgarian Crown Prince of Bahrain and heir apparent to the Kleptocracy Throne, today informed a reporter from the Despots Gazette that he has been advised not to attend the royal wedding of Prince William and Katie Middleclass next Friday due the ongoing unrest in the micro Gulf kingdom, broadcast widely in a series of disturbing reports by the eagle-eyed Amnesty International and Ox-Rat human rights and wrongs watchdogs, of imported Saudi Arabian renta-thug troops running amok, raping anything with a tight hole, then maiming and killing thousands of pro-democracy activists staging protest rallies and demonstrating for regime change – along with the doctors and nurses who treat their injuries.
The slack-jawed Sheikh Fizzy, who was to represent his autocratic father, His Regal Ruthlessness, King Kess Emakk ibn Zamel, at the ceremony has agreed to take the Foreign Office’s advice and miss out on this chance of a trip to the UK for the wedding and hang out around Soho on the lash, revelling in a few all-night Lucullan drinking sessions, gambling at the casinos, then picking up Grenadier Guardsmen out moonlighting as male prostitutes and catering to the perverted sexual tastes of stinking rich Arab sodomites.
The Crown Prince, a chinless wonder who’s descended from a long line of inbred brutish Philistine scumbags, dating back to the 13th century Saracen warlord, Sheikh Ras al Nastygit, told gutter press hacks in Manama that it was with deep regret that he had reached his considered decision and didn’t wish to be an embarrassment to Willy and Kate on their special day by being the cause and instigation of any type of demonstrations by human rights activists in London over the state of emergency and despicable violent treatment meted out on the pro-democracy protesters in Bahrain, who were - possessed with false optimism - crying out in vain for their civil liberties to be finally recognised and the implementation of long overdue political and socio-economic reforms.
According to a recent post on Julian Blancmange’s WickedLeaks whistleblowing website, the Home Office was quick to scotch a suggestion from Sheikh Fizzy to fly a couple of plane-loads of Saudi Arabian troglodyte thugs over to guard his regal personage while in London and keep order around Westminster Abbey during the wedding ceremony.
However, Whitehall mandarin Sir Wormhole Bogbrush opined to press hacks “For Christ’s sake, we already have enough problems with taxpayer objections to footing the bill for this wedding to the tune of 60 zillion quid when it should be paid for by the bride’s father as per established tradition. We’ve been inundated with complaints as to why Wills and Katie can’t simply have a civil partnership and live over the brush like everyone else – or get hitched at the local Registry Office for a fraction of the cost.”
“All we need is for this semi-civilised goat-shagger to ship in a gang of their Saudi mercenary yobs and start a live fire exercise around Westminster, targeting British protesters.”
During a later interview with the BBC’s ‘Scum Watch’ programme, Sheikh Fizzy further explained “Really, I don’t want our hard-line commitment to a monarchical system, and the three month state of emergency declared to undermine and stifle the popular opposition, to be the source of any complication to the festivities and am now only too happy to oblige with the Foreign Office’s advice and stay at home.”
“Seriously, we definitely don’t want our little fly-speck kingdom to be the next one to get slapped with a UN Security Council no-fly zone resolution just because we shot a few unwashed Bolshie peasants and end up on the Zionist kikesters' New World Order shit list for invasion like Libya and Syria – and Iran – so they can steal our oil and gas. Please, we already have the Great Satan’s 5th Fleet sat on our doorstep in Manama with 4,000-plus infidel Yankee sailors – so no more.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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