Paddy Banks Back on the Cadge

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Governor of Ireland’s Central Bank, Patrick Fuctifino, speaking yesterday outside Dublin’s ‘Cash Converters’ - the ubiquitous High Street pawnbrokers – to a press hack from the Insolvency Gazette, explained that measures of fresh quantitative easing and de-leveraging were required by Eire’s banking system – a pair of gobbledegook terms to describe the pathetic state the nation’s monetary system is now in due the excesses of shylock banksters gambling on dodgy derivatives and ‘blue chip ‘futures’ without the aid of a reliable crystal ball – especially following the November 2010 collapse of the peat bog market and confetti spot price going up tuppence a ton.

So, the cryptic jargon aside, the banks are fucked with a large capital F and need yet another bail-out by the hapless Paddy taxpayers – an extra 24 zillion euros to keep afloat - until the next bail-out’s required.
Allied Irish Banks are whingeing that they need the most money, and will have to raise 13.5 zillion euros just to pay next month’s rent and dole out their senior executive’s annual incompetence bonuses.

The figure follows a ‘stress test’ on the Irish banking system by a group of independent ‘experts’ – recruited from the benches in Phoenix Park, and in return for a litre of Shite Lightning apiece, tasked with going around the Dublin bank branches with a demand draft cheque for 50 euros and trying to cash it.

Several lenders were tested by this method - Allied Irish Fubars, Bank of Celtic Fuckups, Snafu Investments, the Educational Sub-Normal Building Society, and the Irish Life or Death & Semi-Permanent – and all came up short, informing the cashier’s cheque holders to “Come back Monday an’ try yer luck again”.

The news of this problem caused mayhem on the Irish Stock Exchange, which closed early to prevent turmoil on the markets – with the toothless Celtic Tiger brokers heading down to the pub for the afternoon. Trading in horse shoes, 30-day peat, turnips and potatoes was halted Wednesday amid rumours that the Central Bank itself didn’t have enough spuds left to muster up a decent Irish mixed grill: boiled taters, mashed taters, roast taters and chips.

The shylock-owned European Central Bank had been expected to announce a new 70 zillion euros medium-term financing arrangement to provide the Irish banks with a reliable source of petty cash.
However, this self-same 70 zillion euros is equivalent to almost half of the Irish economy's annual turnip and spud earnings – a figure of 17,000 euros per Irish citizen - a burden that while the bankers see as acceptable, the bog Paddy in the street hails as ‘daylight robbery’.

To address this dilemma and correct the system before déjà vu kicks in like Groundhog Day – with annual cadge sessions becoming an accepted norm – the newly-elected Taoiseach, Eric ‘Call me Edna’ Kenny, has demanded the banks' lenders share in the losses – a move being resisted by the penny-pinching Shylocks.

The Taoiseach told reporters that “They’ve been treatin’ the economy and financial system like an effin’ casino – gamblin’ on all sorts of dodgy shit - so it’s about time we applied the *Darwin Awards doctrine of ‘survival of the fittest’ and let the stragglers perish in true Biblical form. Just the same scenario as a casino – if you lose you can’t say “Whoops!” and ask for your money back.”
“So, after the shit’s really hit the fan this coming week and when it’s all over an’ the dust’s settled, we in the government will pick up the pieces an’ nationalise what’s left.”

*Darwin Awards: Named to honour Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our global gene pool by (accidentally) removing themselves from it. Alas, the award is generally bestowed posthumously.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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