Wednesday, 20 April 2011

RAF Typhoon Aircraft Spares Fubar

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Earlier this week an RAF Typhoon, Britain’s most advanced fighter jet, carried out a bombing raid over Libya, dropping a full skip load of paving stones which destroyed a Misrata orphanage and the adjacent Akim’s Halal Kebab outlet.
It was the first time the RAF's latest warplane has carried out an actual ground attack mission as opposed to sitting on a runway or in a hanger at Pikey’s Crotch Airfield in Norfolk due lack of fuel or owing to the acute shortage of spare parts and operational ordnance – such as windscreen wipers, fan belts, machine gun ammunition, HE bombs and Shitehawk missiles.

The MoD was quick to release a video of the successful strike, with blood-soaked screaming children running around like headless chickens while passers-by looted freebie kebabs from the ruins of Akim’s stall.
MoD mandarins are hoping that the video will deflect some of the criticism of the Typhoon project, which Sir Armitage-Shanks, head honcho of the Parliamentary public accounts committee, claims is more fucked up than a soup sandwich.

They further noted that of 48 Typhoon pilots on the books able to fly the aircraft, only eight were fully trained for ground attack missions – with the remaining 40 still having problems with forgetting to release the handbrake and synchronising clutch/gear change shifts.
However, the RAF was keen to point out that past problems of having insufficient fuel and bombs have been resolved after borrowing some from the Libyan rebels - plus they now had significantly more than eight pilots ready to carry out bombing raids – ten to be exact.

That said, the RAF was in a piss-poor state materially and clearly stretched when meeting all its operational requirements – hence dropping ‘paving stones’ on the Misrata orphanage and Akim’s ‘chew n spew’ fast food stall - and not clusters of Texas Instrument’s finest 500 pound GBU Paveway laser-guided bombs or a couple of canisters of super-screamer Napalm B - a profit-spinning Dow Chemical innovation.
(Yep, Dow Chemical – the same company whose website carries the ironic, hypocrisy-loaded banner of ‘Protecting the Planet on Earth Day – and Every Day’ – and no mention of how well their napalm sticks to kids).

In a condemning addition to their already-caustic report the Parliamentary committee claimed that the RAF were cannibalising aircraft for spare parts in order to keep the maximum number of Typhoons in the air on any given day – a factor Air Marshall Borkum-Riff fielded and buck-passed with political proficiency – blaming the snafu on the small group of key industrial suppliers who alone possess the technical and design capability to build, upgrade and support the jets – whose ranks include Halfords, Bike Shack, Quick Fit, Pikey Pete’s Car Boot Emporium and B & Q - for refusing to supply further spares until the MoD pay them for their last pre-Xmas 2010 gift wrapped shipments.

The overall cost of maintaining the Tornado programme is now estimated at £20.2 billion quid, with the cost per plane rising from £72 zillion to £126 zillion nicker since Chancellor Georgie Osborne upped the ante on VAT on luxury items.
Further, the Parliamentary committee complained that the MoD had been unable to offer a coherent explanation that made any fucking sense at all of a 2004 decision to equip the Typhoon fleet for ground attack operations at a cost of £119 zillion quid apiece, only to switch them back to an air defence role in 2009, a year after the upgrade was finally ready – and the ridiculous ‘Save a Civilian’ no-fly zone combat operations began over Libya – which required ‘ground attack’ fighter capabilities.

In a closing aside to the Parliamentary public accounts committee report, Armitage-Shanks summed up the entire RAF operation with a concisely-damning "The history of the Typhoon fighter aircraft represents yet another example of over-optimism, bad planning and an unacceptably inflated bill for the taxpayer. Personally I’ve seen better organised riots.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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