Friday, 29 April 2011

Syrian Envoy’s Wedding Invite Scotched

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Adopting a flawed policy of ‘nothing like leaving it to the last minute’ the Syrian Ambassador to the Court of St. James invitation to Friday's ostentatious pageant (royal wedding) was this morning withdrawn after Foreign Office officials claimed it would be inappropriate for him to attend now the UK have marked the brutalist Damascus government down on their shit list as the next in line for a spot of enforced regime change due their mistreatment of radical socio-economic reform activists.

The decision to invite Dr Sami Jaffacake had recently been the subject of swathes of criticism, amid condemnation of a violent crackdown on pro-democracy protesters in Syria. This move follows advice given to Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, the vulgarian Crown Prince of Bahrain (and heir apparent to the Kleptocracy Throne) this week to politely decline his invitation and avoid being an embarrassment to the royals – or himself - when crowds of human rights and wrongs activists pelt him with eggs, over-ripe durians and bags of doggy poo outside Westminster Abbey.

The cross-dressing Foreign Secretary, Willy ‘Cuddles’ Vague, told one reporter from the Pariahs Gazette that Dr Jaffacake’s presence at the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleclass would be unacceptable - with Buckingham Palace and Prince Philip sharing that view.
Conversely Dr Jaffacake informed a press hack from the Backstabbers Weekly that he didn’t understand what the problem was or why the invitation had been withdrawn. “This is because President Assad shoots a few Bolshie radical anarchists? I really do not understand the influence of the Zionist media’s black propaganda and smear campaigns on the decisions of Posh Dave Scameron’s government. What bleeding heart liberals Britain is now ruled and controlled by. Well, fuck them too – and I want the Harrods gift-wrapped tea towels wedding present returned.”

A number of Labour MPs, including former foreign secretary Slack Jack Straw – a man with the personality of a chemotherapy clinic - went into his customary whinge mode and expressed concerns about the invitation - contrasting it with the decision not to invite former Labour prime ministers and political pariahs, Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown and Tony Bliar - the celebrity war criminal turned self-promoting Mid-East peace broker (a job he’s obviously still failing to achieve results with considering the current scale of conflicts there).

Straw complained to the Malcontents Review “It’s okay for all these Lib-Dum blokes to get invited – and the old school Eton chums and Bullingdon chew and spew renta-vandal club members like the barmy London Mayor, Bonkers Boris Nonsense. However, I don’t see many Labour Party names down – apart from Eddie Millipede, the idiot Child Emissary from the Planet Fuckwit."
"Just look down the invitation list, it’s a right pig’s ear - while Tom and Dick have been invited, their younger brother Harry missed right out – yet Uncle Tom Cobley and all get to sit in the front row. Bloody Freemasons and secret handshakes yet again, no doubt.”

Sheikh Fizzy Al Kaseltzer, the Crown Prince of Bahrain and King Bongo-Gongo Chuckabutty of Swaziland, both of whose fascist regimes have recently clamped down on pro-democracy protests, were invited to the wedding on 29 April – but they too acceded to Foreign Office advice and pulled out over the weekend so as not to overshadow the event due the actions of their despotic blood-stained regimes.
Conversely, while King Bongo-Gongo will not be attending the wedding ceremony and reception piss-up, his Swaziland Vuvuleza Orchestra will be providing their ‘Wedding March’ recital as Katie Middleclass walks down the aisle at Westminster Abbey.

Did you receive an invitation to Wills and Katie’s do? Ah well, tough shit if you missed out – there’s always the ginger-mingin Prince Harry’s wedding yet to come. Do you think 70 zillion quid’s a fair price for the British public to fork out for their wedding bash? – even if the occasion does bring in mega-bucks of income – as none of that will end up in the taxpayer’s kitty but all in the cash registers of private commercial interests.
Do you think the money could be better spent on filling in the burgeoning pandemic of potholes currently infesting the nation’s highways and byways? How about pursuing tradition and getting Katie Middleclass’s Dad to foot the bill? How about them saving us the expense and getting hitched at the registry office – or living over the brush like the rest of our society?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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