Saturday, 23 April 2011

Scameron to Block Broon’s IMF Bid

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative coalition Prime Minister, Posh Dave Scameron, today informed one gutter press hack from the Backstabbers Gazette that he intends to block celebrity Scottish bungler, Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown, from becoming head of the International Monetary Fund.

Scameron, a man stricken with severe learning curve difficulties himself, stated for the public record that someone who was Chancellor of the Exchequer and then in the Prime Minister’s seat, and was unaware there was a festering debt problem of Biblical proportions with the UK's economy, might not be the best person to run the global finance watchdog.

The numpty Brown has recently been linked with the IMF job in press reports, with Labour leader Ed Millipede (the Child Emissary from the Planet Fuckwit) claiming his old boss was superbly qualified to screw up the books - and his role in causing the UK’s economic crisis in 2007-2008 by bailing out insolvent banks with the taxpayer’s money instead of letting them go to the wall in grand Darwinian fashion, had been an outstanding piece of fiscal legerdemain that the likes of Robert Vesco and Bernie Madoff would be proud of – turning a recession into a Prozac-resistant deep depression overnight.

Conversely, Scameron told the BBC’s ‘Knobhead Hour’ political analysis programme that the IMF top post required someone who at least had an O-level GCSE in Maths and was possessed with a high degree of extraordinarily competence – like himself – but for which Brown’s qualifications and abilities, as a washed-up politician, fell far short of the mark - especially so with his pathetic record of being an inveterate loser at Monopoly.

“Just look at what he did in the setting up the UK's Financial Services Authority in 1997 without appreciating the complex relations between global institutions – and then put that career kleptomaniac and freeloading oick John Bourne in charge – what a fubar. Now it’s been left to us to resolve the whole mess and my Tory Chancellor Georgie Osborne’s thankfully decided to scrap the entire gravy train institution.”

“You know, if the IMF needs a ‘Jock in a Tartan Frock’ to make the tea, feed the cat, and look after the car park, then Gordon’s probably their man. But a role that’s going to involve keeping both eyes on the ball – well, old Cyclops simply isn’t up to it. Same as if he was appointed to a diplomatic role and went round calling people ‘bigots’ as soon as their backs were turned.”
“Really, isn’t it about time Gordon simply retired and took on a nice little Bargain Booze ‘Stop n Rob’ franchise in Glasgow – which the Lib-Dem’s Mr Kennedy could help out with the running of and stocking the £2 quid a bottle Chateau le Plonk shelves?”

The incumbent head honcho at the IMF, French bean counter Dominique Strauss Khuntt, whose five-year term of office is due to end next year, is expected to stand down ahead of this date to run against the incumbent midget Sarkozy for the French presidency, amid much media speculation that Gordon Brown could replace him. However, as the UK and other major Western economies have an effective veto on the appointment of the IMF's managing director it looks like Scameron’s intimated threat could screw up Broon’s chances big time.

Senior Bank of England economist Percy Higgs-Boson, a sitting member of the IMF’s Third World Debt Policy Committee, suggested Cabbage Patch Dave’s stance was vindictive and small-minded – and probably rooted in high society snobbishness as Gordon hadn’t attended Eton or been a member of Oxford University’s Bullingdon drunken mayhem and vandalism club.

“Let’s be quite honest here. Gordon might be viewed as an accident just waiting for somewhere to happen but he’s not a total moron, so let’s give him a chance to prove his worth and earn a few bob for his retirement fund. I’m sure he’s learned from his mistakes by now and hopefully won’t fuck up the global financial system while in the IMF’s Captain’s chair like he and Alastair Darling did with the British economy.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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