Sunday, 3 April 2011

For Sale: Ark Royal on eBay

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The British Royal Navy’s aircraft carrier HMS Ark Royal is up for sale on the popular online eBay auction website after it failed to muster any great interest during recent episodes of ‘Bargain Hunt’ and ‘Flog It’.

The former flagship was decommissioned two weeks ago after 25 years in service as part of the Libservative government's new ‘hack n burn’ defence budget which has emasculated the once Senior Service and left our sceptred isle exposed to attack from marauding Somalian pirate scallies and open to invasion by the lurking armadas of snide Spanish Papist scumbags who’ve been waiting patiently for a return match since 1588.

The decimation of the navy and loss of our island nation’s last carrier was felt only last week when the air force were tasked with the job of establishing a ‘no-fly’ zone across Libya – specifically by bombing the shit out of the place – and had to conduct their missions from RAF Pikey’s Crotch Airfield in Norfolk – flying a 3,000 mile round trip just to drop a couple of bombs on some poxy oasis and snuff a few Bedouins and camels as we no longer maintained a floating runway – such as the Ark Royal - strategically positioned in the Med’, right off the Libyan coast – hence ran up colossal gas bills in the same week the cretinous Chancellor Georgie Osborne hiked the excise duty on jet fighter fuel.

Such is the innovative fiscal forum of ‘Scameronomics’ – the all-new Capitalist system that will power and drive Posh Dave’s ‘Big Society’ – but unfortunately one that works better when viewed through rose coloured glasses - with 20/20 hindsight.

While the eBay auction still has twelve days to run, the MoD, in their collective wisdom, (sic) have fielded certain ‘blue skies’ proposals for the vessel’s future deployment - include turning it into a floating soccer pitch for England’s World Cup team to practice on – or sell it to the ever-prodigal Dubai or Qatar and use the flight deck as a gargantuan Tropical Nights disco dance floor – with the hangers being converted into a bar and knocking shop.

Alternatively, one bright spark at the MoD did suggest the redundant warship might serve as an ideal floating jailhouse for Bahrain’s Sheikh Fizzy al-Kaseltzer to imprison the thousands of annoying pro-democracy demonstrators that are causing the plutocratic regime so much aggravation with their disruptive peaceful protests.
Conversely, less imaginative minds have ventured it might perhaps carry on being used as an aircraft carrier and sold to some belligerent wannabee Third World despot – such as Colonel Gaddafi.

Rumours that the Palestinian Authority have posted a bid on eBay remain unsubstantiated, but PM Mahmoud Abbas did recently confide to one press hack from the Chutzpah Gazette that it would be a good deal to re-settle the West Bank’s population now the Knesset seem determined to continue with their ethnic cleansing policy and bulldoze every Palestinian farm and home to make way for even more illegal kikester settlements.

“The flight deck of the Ark Royal is now larger than the entire remaining acreage of the West Bank. All we have to do is cover it with a couple of feet of topsoil and we can plant our olive groves without fear of the IDF’s Renta-Thug units coming along and chopping them all down again in the hope we’ll simply fuck off and live in a refugee camp in Lebanon or Syria.”

Hint for the day: Do you enjoy water sports (no – not the BD/SM type) and own a jet ski? Ever thought about upgrading? The recently-decommissioned Type-42 destroyer - HMS Smegmadale – went for a mere £15,000 quid on eBay last week.
So, why not get a few of your friends and neighbours mobilised and stick a syndicate bid on the eBay auction and you might just end up with your own time-share aircraft carrier – complete with a squadron of Tornado fighters, Sea Lynx choppers, Tomahawk cruise missiles - plus chain gun, depth charge and torpedo facilities – and not forgetting the on-board nuclear deterrents.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: