Saturday, 16 April 2011

Defra Combat Sheep Rustling

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Spring lambing season’s in full swing - with a nice shoulder of baby sheep from your local Greedy Grocer supermarket chain now so exorbitantly priced that most people have to call their bank manager first to get permission to buy a couple of chops and a jar of mint jelly.

So, little wonder the rustlers are taking advantage of the fact the sheep aren’t kept locked up in a high security barn but left to wander around the fields all night – hence they’re out and about kidnapping the junior mutton stocks during the hours of darkness and cutting a tidy, albeit criminal, profit with no fear of more than a community service order sentence if copped as rustling sheep is no longer a hanging offence.

While one innovative Ulster farmer in the heart of Carson country came up with a spiffing idea of dying his sheep flock orange to deter the rustlers – which is fine if there’s going to be a fashion fad for orange sweaters this coming winter - Defra, on being informed of this security measure, have taken it one step further and shipped in a container load of radioactive waste from Japan’s defunct Fuckupshima nuclear power station to mix with hi-viz yellow sheep dip pigment and produce a glow in the dark effect so farmers can count their woolies at night.

In an interesting aside to sheep rustling, sixteen lambs were discovered driving what turned out to be two stolen cars when they were pulled over for speeding on the M5 by a police patrol car from Smegmadale’s Moron Unit.

When PC Fuctifino approached the first car, a 4 x 4 Land Rover, one lamb was sat behind the wheel, with two lamb passengers huddled up on the front passenger seat sharing the same safety belt – and a further five lambs spread out across the rear seat – along with a man and woman who identified themselves as Wolfie the Shepherd and Red Riding Hood.

On discovering the self-same situation in the other vehicle, a Mitsubishi Shogun, again packed with eight lambs and a certain individual sat in the back who gave his name as ‘Mint Sauce Mick’, PC Fuctifino rightly suspected someone was trying to pull the wool over his eyes and logged on to the DVLA database to check the registrations of the vehicles – only to find both had been reported stolen earlier that morning.

The three passengers pleaded ignorance to the fact the vehicles had been nicked, claiming the lambs were on a day out excursion to watch the annual sheep dog trials at Old Scrotum and they’d simply come along for the ride.

As neither of the lambs behind the wheels of the 4 x 4’s were able to produce valid licences or proof of identity – and also smelled strongly of alcohol - they were summarily arrested and taken into custody on charges of driving a stolen vehicle while intoxicated and pending further investigations.

Ms Candida Muffitch, the director of Mutant Monitor, the GM foods watchdog, opined to a reporter from the Chimera Gazette concerning the incident “This is where growing GM Frankenfoods and cloning farm animals is leading us – now we have a flock of Dolly look-alikes who’ve evolved into the most dangerous of creatures – sheep with ambitions and a sense of purpose.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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