Saturday, 2 April 2011

Offensive Quack Jargon in Decline

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to one medical quack who wasted years of valuable clinical practice time by charting and recording hundreds of colourful examples of the inventive acronymic slang created by arrogant doctors to insult their patients - and each other – claims it is in danger of becoming extinct.

Dr Morton Scrunt, who works at the St Septic’s Clinic for Latter Day Lepers in London as a specialist registrar in its ‘Necrotising Fasciitis Unit’ – (the flesh-eating bacteria that can chew a bloke’s leg off in five minutes) - informed one reporter from the Body Snatchers Gazette that far fewer doctors now annotate notes with abbreviations designed to spell out embarrassing truths concerning their patients

While the medical industry is a profession already cursed with an over-abundance of acronyms and technical terms, the increasing rate of litigation against erring and incompetent doctors presents the fact that they might well be asked in court to explain the exact meaning of MILF (Mother I’d Like to Fuck), CTDS (Certain to Die Soon) and UBI (Unexplained Beer Injury).

Dr Scrunt recounts the tale of one doctor who had scribbled TTFO - an expletive acronym meaning "Told To Fuck Off" - on a deceased patient's notes and was fortunately asked by a na├»ve judge in court if the acronym translated as “to take fluids orally”.

In several cases of doctors and hospitals sued for acts involving malpractice – such as patients croaking while undergoing simple surgical procedures to correct complaints ranging from an ingrowing foreskin to charmaid’s knee or a blocked dandruff gland – the offending quacks has actually annotated their operating room reports and death certificates with such damning acronyms as ‘Anatomy FUBAR’ and ‘Anaesthetic SNAFU’ – resulting not only in the being struck off the medical register and having to go and practice as a veterinarian in Darkest Africa, but mega-bucks personal injury compensation payments being awarded to the patient – or his surviving relatives.

From the ever-popular ‘Coffin Dodger’ – implying a patient who refuses to die regardless of all body functions being negligible - we have AGMI – (Ain't Gonna Make It); FOESAD (Fuck off eat shit and die), ‘Beached Whale’ – (a fat patient unable to get out of bed); LLS – (Looks Like Shit); WLK (Weird-Looking Kid – in the maternity ward); Code Brown – (a faecal incontinence emergency / patient has shit themselves); Bury the Hatchet – (accidentally leaving a surgical instrument inside a patient – who has since died) – and last but not least – the Machiavellian art of ‘Blamestorming’ – (the apportionment of culpability after the wrong leg or kidney or testicle - is removed - or some other particularly egregious foul-up).

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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