UK to Push Compulsory Sobriety Scheme

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A 24/7 sobriety programme that involves people volunteering to pay to be breathalysed twice a day after being convicted of any drink-related crime - and appearing in court to face the prospect of a custodial sentence in one of the UK’s chocker-block full sodomite paradise prisons if they test positive – is the latest madcap scheme to be foisted on the British public.

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense’s sidekick deputy, Kit Nuthouse, told one reporter from the Daft Ideas Gazette that the insane scheme has already been implemented in the United States - with South Dakota reporting a 14 per cent drop in the prison population as a result.
Hmmm, interesting, to say the least. However, what the fuck has South Dakota got in common with London in the way of culture and population density – or alcohol-related social problems?

Okay, so South Dakota apparently has a few booze prob’s – and hardly surprising either that the inhabitants are walking around pissed outa their brains when the state capital’s got a French name – Pierre - and some fucker came along one Halloween and carved Mount Rushmore into four gargoyle’s heads.

However, Deputy Mayor Nuthouse has announced he wants to pilot the scheme in the capital in the New Year - subject to government approval - as London has a desperate problem with alcohol where up to 50% of crime is alcohol-related – with the remaining 50% being – er – crime-related.

Nuthouse claims that, in his wholly unqualified opinion, current methods such as counselling do not work to discourage persistent offenders and a more rigorous approach to keep people off the piss is required – especially so when cut-price booze joints such as the Troublespot Taverns pub chain open their doors at 7:00 am in a morning and start serving their discount all-day ‘Full Irish Breakfast’: Corn Flakes with a pint of draught Guinness poured over it .
He added "I was in the Asbo Arms on Scrote Street in Peckham's Yardie Hamlets last Friday night and they were offering Meths Breezers, Migrane Mixers or Shite Lightning in saline drip bottles – with the IV catheter included – for two quid a time.”

Conversely, Wilf Bogbrush, who runs Alcohol Concern, told reporters from the gutter press tabloids that trying to enforce compulsory sobriety had about as much chance of success as shoving butter up a porcupine’s arse with an oven themometer. “Wot the effin’ hell do pillocks like Mr Nuthouse expect when breweries are marketing Bitch Thumper and Old Headbanger lagers at 8% ABV an’ the drinkers are outa their tiny minds after a couple of pints an’ then goin’ off an’ pullin’ a heist at the local Stop n Rob ter get a few quid ter buy more plonk.”

“However this daft theory of Nuthouse’s that maintains if yer give people a bit of advice on their binge drinkin’ an’ ask ‘em ter look at why they’re on the bottle then they might change, is a load of old bollocks. Just ask ‘em why they’re on the piss – scullin’ down the strongest an’ cheapest crap available – cos it deadens the pain of bein’ unemployed an’ homeless – or even if yer lucky enough ter still have a job an’ an effin’ roof over yer head, ter forget about the mortgage yer can never pay off on yer worthless house – an’ the credit card bills wot keep swellin’ up like a ripe badger roadkill corpse left out in the sun.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.