Cumbria Murders: Gun Permits Whitewash

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

West Cumbria’s inept Plod Squad have vindicated their own incompetent actions in issuing a firearms certificate for three shotguns and a rifle to gung-ho taxi driver Derrick Birdbrain, and conveniently exonerated themselves from any and all blame by stating for the public record “How the fuck were we to know he was going to go squirly and head off on a murderous rampage. It would have been an offence against his human rights to deny him ownership of a few guns – and besides, who’s ever met a cabbie that wasn’t a homicidal maniac?”

The review by Chief Constable Arthur Fuctifino, head of the Association of Chief Police Officers, told one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that existing gun licensing laws wouldn’t have prevented the tragedy, and Mr Birdbrain's actions could not have been predicted without enlisting the services of a Gypsy fortune teller and her crystal ball.

Birdbrain shot his brother and the family solicitor in Shitehaven, before going on a 45-mile rampage across West Cumbria last June – savaging or killing every fucker old enough to bleed – with a casualty list totting up a total of 11 people wounded, 38 who shit their pants, and an unlucky 13 killed – including Birdbrain himself in a ritual auto-da-fe ‘farewell cruel world’ self-harming grand finale.

Conversely, and Chief Constable Fuctifino’s review of the case besides, Derrick Birdbrain had come to the notice of police before the shootings due previous convictions for drinking and driving which led to a hefty fine and a 12-month ban - plus a conviction for thieving, for which he was given a suspended prison sentence.
Regardless of these facts revealing he was a ‘bit of an all-round dodgy cunt’ and disqualifying him as a trustworthy candidate for firearms ownership, Cumbria Police claim they acted properly when they issued Birdbrain with certificates for three shotguns and a snipers rifle and had no reason to revoke such at a later date – even after he was slapped with criminal convictions.

However, reporters from the Scandalmongers Gazette have uncovered evidence that Birdbrain had held a shotgun licence since 1964, when he was aged 6, and had successfully applied for renewal on a number of occasions - the latest in 2005. In 2007 he was granted a firearms certificate for an AI-L115A3 / 8.59 mm snipers rifle – informing the police issuing officer that he wanted the gun to shoot pests – such as the family solicitor.
Further, according to the scathing news report, Birdbrain had illegally sawn the barrels off the shotguns he used and equipped his rifle with a silencer and a military issue S & B 5-25x56 ‘Scrote Spotter’ telescopic sight.

Hmmm, this brings to mind the scandal and cover-up - and imposition of a 100-year ‘Gagging Order’ - by the Cullen Inquiry in the case of the well-connected Scottish Freemason, Thomas ‘Deadwood’ Hamilton, a predatory paedophile with a worse record of kiddie fiddling than a legion of Catholic priests, who went on the rampage in 1996 with four handguns out of his licenced arsenal of six pieces - shooting up Dunblane Primary School and every fucker and their dog – murdering a total of fifteen 5-year old children and one school teacher – plus wounding a dozen more.

Hamilton was armed with two 9 mm Browning HP pistols and two Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum revolvers, all legally held. He was carrying 743 cartridges, and fired the weapons a total of 109 times. The subsequent police investigation revealed that Hamilton had loaded the magazines for his Brownings with an alternating combination of full-metal-jacket and hollow-point ammunition – not exactly the target variety.

As per the Derrick Birdbrain case, police stated that they had no reason to deny the granting of his firearms certificate – even for six heavy calibre handguns and an over-abundance of dodgy ammunition - plus had no reason to revoke the certificates at a later date - even after Hamilton was cautioned by Lothian and Borders Police in Edinburgh, when he was found with his trousers down in a "compromising position" with a young man.

In 1991, five years prior to the Dunblane massacre, complaints were made to Central Scotland Police and investigated by the Child Protection Unit concerning disgusting acts of paedophilia performed by Hamilton against child victims at his Loch Lomond summer camp.
Hamilton was reported to the Procurator Fiscal for consideration of 10 charges, including assault, obstructing police and contravention of the Children and Young Persons (Scotland) Act 1937 – yet no action was ever taken.

There were a number of investigations and reports compiled prior to 1996, but the exact number and content cannot be verified as they are still unavailable due the cover-up by ranking Freemason members of the police force and crooked judiciary - plus the imposition of the 100-year ‘Gagging Order’ by Lord Cullen to protect the ranks of Scotland’s elitist kiddie fiddling club.

One closing point worthy of mention – guess who signed and sponsored Thomas Hamilton’s application for a firearms certificate? Why none other than the raving fudger and suspect paedo’ Lord George Robertson – a talentless prick who rose from being a backbench nobody to Defence Minister, then Secretary-General of NATO, in less time than it takes to say Boo! to a goose.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and sheltered from litigation under the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.