Tory ‘Drip’ Mulls Flood Tax Scam

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Zillions of homeowners living near the sea or rivers face being hit with an extortive new Flood Tax under controversial plans currently being dreamed up and cobbled together by the Libservative coalition’s Ministry of Scamology. This is to plug a £260 million quid shortfall in spending on flood defences due the money being wasted on foreign aid to corrupt Third World shitholes - and maintaining an army of aggression in Afghanistan to provide target practice for the Taliban.

The controversial proposal comes as the residents of Cumbria prepare to mark the first anniversary of the devastating deluges which turned the Lake District into a singular ‘Lake Cumbria’ last year – creating the biggest duck pond in Europe.

A year ago this week, record rainfall caused rivers and streams in the region to burst their banks and flood streets, engulfing homes and businesses and displacing hundreds of residents – many of whom are still convinced this was a divineform of Karmic retribution for them laughing at television footage of the plight of legions of darkie monsoon flood victims in Pakistan.

The Sunday Shitraker has learned that the Minister for Runny Liquids, Richard Benyon, Tory MP for Borkum Riff, whom Posh Dave Scameron personally chose for the job as he’s such a ‘drip’ - believes the cost of protecting homes and businesses from the four elements (Earth, Air, Fire and Water – plus Wind) should be shared between the government and those who benefit from defences directly – and definitely not switch the true onus back onto the stupid planners of governments past, who chose to locate housing projects on the edge of cliffs, the wrack line of beaches or in the middle of geological flood plains.

In May 2009 Minister Benyon, known to friends and Parliamentary associates alike as a ‘right knobhead’, and ‘the type of bloke who could fuck up a perfectly good anvil’ - was listed by the Scandalmonger’s Gazette as one of the House of Conmans living ‘Saints’ in the expenses scandal (due his being too stupid to know how to pad his expense claims and fiddle a few bob out of the taxpayers).

In contrast to Benyon’s ‘tax the fuckers ‘til they drop’ scheme, Labour MP Bazzer McScrote, whose Crapdale Hamlets constituency bore the brunt of the Cumbria floods in November last year, opined to reporters that the prospect of local residents facing extra costs would "go down like a lead balloon and make Minister Benyon as popular as chemotherapy".

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs took a 29 per cent budget cut (£110 million quid) in Chancellor George Oddball's scorched earth Comprehensive Spending Review – hence leaving the entire countryside vulnerable to the ravages of nature and the effects of global warming and / or cooling – whichever comes first.

To help make up the shortfall, Minister Benyon believes the costs should be shared between local government authorities and those who most benefit from flood defences – with people living on hillsides and mountain tops being able to apply for a Flood Tax exemption.
In return for paying the tax – which would be on top of the extortionate insurance premiums already imposed on flood risk areas - local communities would get first priority deliveries of the truckloads of sandbags, shovels, buckets, inflatable dinghies and mops that the new levy would provide.

Do you live in the Cumbria area or on the coast? Have you been inundated by floods or a recent tsunami? Can you afford to pay an annual Flood Tax bill? Ever thought of moving to the Sahara? Do you agree the homeless camped out on river banks should divvy up their fair share of the new tax?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a free ‘Rainy Season’ mop and bucket.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.