Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Lloyds TSB = Lloyds ‘Thieving Scum Bags’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to an editorial in today’s Bottom Feeders Gazette reveals it has finally been discovered what the acronym in the High Street firm of banksters ‘Lloyds TSB’ stands for: Lloyds ‘Thieving Scum Bags’.

Apparently the licenced rip-off merchants earned this derogatory sobriquet after slapping Ms Chavella McSkank, a sixteen-year old mother of three, with an initial penalty charge of £170 quid for incurring an 8 pence unauthorised overdraft in January 2009 - due their own error in failing to cancel her monthly £50 direct debit payment, as per written instructions, to the TV Bid Channel’s ‘Bling and Swing Club’.

By the time Ms McSkank managed to juggle her family allowance and child tax credits to pay the initial overdraft penalty charge of £170 off – plus the measly 8 pence - then the blood-sucking bean counters running the ‘Thieving Scum Bags’’ Extortion Department at Lloyds Bank had hit her with further overdraft penalties – which continued to accrue until she owed £1,800 quid in excessive bank charges.

Ms McSkank told one reporter from the Greedy Gits Review she’d written to the bank and also the Financial Ombudsman Service to complain. “Wot a bag of old crap all this is. It should be against the effin’ law ter charge £170 nicker fer an 8 pence overdraft. I’ve ‘ad ter pay more than £1,000 quid back already an’ I’m still over £700 quid in debt. Pity I can’t get one of them assisted suicide jobs on the NHS fer me an’ the kids.”

Chavella, who recently passed her NVQ1 exam in Welfare Benefit Fraud, is currently unable to work even part-time at her previous job in the penile manipulation department of the local Rug n Tug Massage Salon after recently giving birth to her third child, daughter Slappsy - hence her outstanding debt to the bank of £700 continues to increase at a rate of £10 quid per day.
She explained that her live-in partner Bazzer Fuctifino, 18, an unemployed cormorant strangler, had been fronting up his jobseekers allowance to help out but even this wasn’t enough to cover the bank’s charges and pay their rent and council tax – hence now they were threatened with eviction. “I ain’t effin’ jokin’ – if it wasn’t fer bad luck we wouldn’t ‘ave any.”

Conversely, Lloyds TSB spokeswoman Candida Ripoffsky informed the media that an investigation by the Office of Fair Trading had led to a formal hearing focusing on British-based bankster’s overdraft charges at the Supreme Court in November 2009. “After the court ruled in our favour, we consider the traditional Rothshite ‘Shylock’ standard model for unarranged overdraft penalty charges to be fair and don’t believe there is any basis on which they could be successfully challenged as ‘kikester usury’ under the current corrupt legal system.”

Allergy warning: This article was not written in an interest-free zone and may well contain fiscal charges and penalties hidden behind such innocuous financial instruments as a typical 99% APR.

Thought for the day: Fuck the Temple of Mammon, and the worn-out capitalist system and fractional reserve banking - and curses on all usurious banksters. May they choke on their bloated bonuses.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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