Prince Willy to Wed Common Slut

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Prince William has finally cast a shadow of reasonable doubt over the persistent rumours that he’s a raving fudger by announcing his engagement to Kate Middleton, a tasty Fucklebury, Berkshire-born slapper whose devout Roman Catholic parents run a moderately successful stall around several of the county’s pikey car boot sales.
Her father, Michael (call me Mick) Middleton, who has an NVQ1 in Recycling and inherited his own landfill site on Oil Drum Lane, comes from a long line of rag and bone men, with Mick himself still running a hand-operated mill manufacturing donkey stones for cleaning Berkshire’s legion of manor house front door steps.

The couple, both now 28, will marry next spring or summer – depending on the British ‘weather’ - after a blood-splattered Wills proposed during the thick of their endangered species killing safari holiday in Kenya last month.
Reliable gossip has it that Wills presented his bride-to-be with an 800 carat pink solitaire diamond ring - (especially mined for the occasion by Chas. Taylor & Sons, Purveyors of Fine Conflict Diamonds, Liberia) - mounted on a slaughtered springbok’s penis and encased in a hippo’s scrotum.

Kate has been the subject of the customary red top tabloid gutter press attention ever since she began dating Prince William, whom she met in the bar of the Dog Wankers Arms in Fife while attending the annual caber tossing championships and the premier of that horrifying Scot’s cult movie ‘The Kilt – What Lies Beneath?’
The eldest of thirteen children, Kate was educated at the exclusive St Sappho’s College of the Sacred Dildo in Wiltshire, where she was described as being level-headed, very popular and having nice tits.

Her former classmate Donna McDyke told one reporter from the Rugmunchers Gazette "Kate is an absolutely phenomenal girl - really popular, talented, creative and sporty. Very ‘sporty’- if you get my meaning. What a tongue that girl has on her.”

"She was captain of the school muff diving team and played in the first pair at tiddlywinks," college Headmistress Mingeeter Twatrot commented "I don't think you'd find anyone at St Sappho’s with a bad word to say about her – apart from those jealous little gang-banging lezzie sluts in Year 10 who got expelled for sodomising poor Katie with an eggplant.”

The story goes that Prince Willy and his ginger-minging younger brother Harry, the royal cuckoo, got into a spot of fisticuffs with each other after they jointly attended a charity fashion show in which Kate modelled in her underwear in March 2002 (peep-hole bra and crotchless panties) – and Harry wanted to do a swinging swap with his bit of totty – the celebrity bum-spanking Dutch dominatrix, Fellattia van der Gamm.

However, their relationship later flourished during weekends spent at the Queen's Balmoral estate, where step-mum Gorgonzilla Parker-Bowles provided sex education hints and acted as their look-out voyeur when they engaged in naked romps in the heather. Gorgonzilla candidly opined to one reporter that Kate is most definitely ‘royal humping’ material – ‘a shag fit for a King’, no less - and possessed with an ample pair of child-bearing hips to calf a few royal mutant sprogs to ensure the succession.

In December 2006, Kate spit the dummy over gutter press harassment and being in the headlines after she and her mother attended a ceremony at Sandhurst, to watch Prince William being commissioned as an officer in the British army – making it a celebratory round triple as he was already an officer in the Royal Navy and the RAF. Apparently press photographers caused offence when they snapped her taking a pee behind some bushes and wiping her dripping snatch with a handful of grass.

The press attention caused a break-up of the relationship – with negative stories concerning Kate and her family spread across the media for weeks after.
These included allegations Kate's mother had been chewing and spitting tobacco or betel nut at William's passing-out parade and had tossed a casual offside to the Queen of “Like the hat, dearie. Yer want one of me Marlboros?”

At the time, Kate was working as an accessories buyer for the ever-popular high street Pound Saver Emporium in Kew, a role she was fired from in November 2007 due to audit discrepancies in the stocks of pre-Columbian ceramics – then went working for her parents' firm as a car boot barker - and is currently still pictured on their ‘Old Tat’ website.

Regardless of rumours of a reconciliation being denied in the new year of 2008, with the couple insisting they were "just good friends" – they were later spotted together by paparazzi in a compromising position one Spring evening in Doggers Wood, just off Hampstead Heath.

Conversely, rumours abound that the engagement has been simmering on the back boiler since the summer, when Wills confided to his Hoorah Henry pals that “Katie’s a pretty good shag now I’ve got her trained up as my three-hole bitch and she’s mastered the suck n swallow technique that Princess Eugenie taught her.”

And as for Katie herself, she confided to reporters “Really, it’s a daunting prospect having to be baptised with blood next week and attend my first Black Mass. Then getting hitched to Wills, with him supposed to be the Anti-Christ and in line to be King one day. I’m shit scared of treading on any of his Gran’s scabby old corgis if we are invited for tea at the palace and end up getting slagged off like Fergy. Plus if he ditches me down the road for some old bat he used to shag while rolling around in the mud years ago, like his Dad did, then I’m definitely staying well away from Paris. Don’t want to end up like Diana – another royal embarrassment got shut of via a ritual assisted suicide.”

Are you getting married next year? Do you have any tips for William and Kate – apart from getting a pre-nuptial agreement signed and sealed? Do you think their kids will look like bat-eared mutants and have teeth that can chew an apple through a tennis racket?

Anyone given a thought as to who’s forking out for the wedding? The taxpayers – as usual? Will it be a lavish budget-flaunting exhibition of hedonistic squandering with a gilded coach and pure white Lippizzaner stallions at Westminster Abbey – or a registry office job with Stinky the Garbage Truck as transport for the occasion? Do you think the Windsors are a bunch of Greek and German sponging layabout immigrants? Should they be reported to the welfare benefit fraud hotline?

Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win an invite to the ‘Wedding of the Millennium’ and be in line to catch Katie’s bouquet.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.