Wednesday, 17 November 2010

House of Conmans Demand Food Taster

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to this Sunday’s Hypocrisy Weekly relates that MPs are under a barrage of fire for wasting taxpayers’ cash yet again – this time on contracting a team of £500 quid per day House of Conmans food-tasters to ensure Westminster’s restaurants are up to scratch and no-one gets poisoned by Brussel’s EUSSR assassins with clandestine doses of botulism or salmonella in their blancmange or custard tarts.

Self-declared hospitality experts Wallace & Gromet have apparently agreed to work on a daily rate as advisers for the House of Conmans Catering Committee after celebrity chef and career profanist Gordon Ramsay’s services were rejected due him being what one MP described as a “foul-mouthed gobshite”.

Sources were unable to confirm what Mr Wallace would be paid but insiders estimated he would receive the £500-a-day fee – with Gromet agreeing to work for a few bones and somewhere to cock his leg.

The move comes amid furious complaints from some MPs that the House of Conmans food is now overpriced and literally uneatable – reminiscent of British Rail victual fare - with ex-Labour Cabinet Minister Sheldon Scatstein, MP for Old Scrotum, claiming that the kosher turkey bacon tasted ‘very piggish’.

Conversely, the decision to pay outside consultants to advise on the cafeteria’s food was condemned as a ludicrous waste of money.
One senior MP, Sir Jarvis Bogbrush, told the Daily Shitraker ‘It is ridiculous to bring in some outside food-tasters to advise that the soup needs a peck more salt. Just look at when John Prescott was an MP here – he’d tuck straight in – both trotters in the trough - whatever swill the cooks served up.”

MP’s – wholly abstracted from the realities of the outside world in their insular Never-Never Land - are furious that a fish cake barm in Portcullis House which last week used to cost £1.30 is now £1.90.
Obviously the horrors of real time inflation in any one of the UK’s Greedy Grocer supermarket chains are beyond the attentions of their political remit.

Regardless, MPs have vented their fury about the catering to the House Squandering Committee, with Ms Lorely Burt, the Librarian-Dummercrat MP for Soggyhull, who achieve Beacon status last year for being a twat, complained that “It’s not paranoia at all - with legions of these Muslim terrorist types working in the canteen now we need a food taster to make sure none of us gets poisoned with ricin or polonium – like that Russian spy chappie did.”

Sir Irwin Fuctifino, head of the Lower House Squandering Committee, informed one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that “Some of this is simply pathetic whingeing. However several of my colleagues, including at least one Minister of State, have now boycotted the dining room and are taking lunch at Biffo’s Barf Burgers fast food chew and spew outlet on the Embankment – with several patronising Kostas Fish n Chip Emporium next door, where one can still get a hefty portion of coelocanth and fries for two quid – with mushy peas.”

Spoiled brat zillionaire and rug-munching activist Tory Sapphie James, MP for Godemiche Hamlets, while suffering one of her customary ‘blonde moments’ complained that the Conmans restaurant served “a very specific flinty style of Chardonnay’ which was ‘frankly a little bit acidic, tasted like cat piss and was porbably bought by the case from Poundland.”

Do you think the MP’s should bite the budget bullet the same as the rest of the human herd and put up with a regular common or garden ‘greasy spoon’ butty van parked outside on Parliament Square? Would you like to see a revival of the Guy Fawkes remedy to sort our supercilious MPs out?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a day trip to the House of Conmans vomitarium.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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