Chew n Spews to Script UK Health Policy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Covert whistleblowers working for the UK’s Department of Health have leaked a report to Ox-Rat, the international snitch n grassers public services watchdog charity, exposing an idiotic plan formulated by Health Secretary Andrew Lansley TTT (Typical Tory Twat) to recruit fast food companies and pub franchises - including McDonald's, Troublespot Taverns and Kentucky Fried Cormorant - to help write government policy on obesity, alcohol abuse and diet-related diseases.
Lansley, the incumbent Conservative MP for Scatford Sands, and a tosser notorious for failing to engage brain before opening gob, has been lambasted with lashings of criticism for innovating this impossible and biased alliance between parties of self-interest - big business for profit versus public health – with the move metaphorically compared to placing the brewing industry in charge of an alcoholic recovery programme.

Processed food and fizzy drink manufacturers including Pestco, Pukesburys, Mamon & Snobfords and Shiteland - the main Greedy Grocer supermarket chain leaders - are among the businesses that have been asked to contribute to five responsibility deal networks.
Each network will be co-chaired by some academic dildo with more degrees than a thermometer (and as much common sense as a suicide bomber) and tasked to come up with ‘some bright ideas’ in an overhaul of public health policy.

Dr Fellattia Titwank, director of the Sickie-Watch sentinel charity group, told one reporter from the Coffin Dodgers Gazette that “The NHS simply have to get their forward planning people to think outside the box regarding health policy instead of relying on 20/20 hindsight. Mind you, thinking outside the box has so far proved to be a problem with all their staff herded into cramped office cubicles.”

“So, the intent is that as these are the companies responsible for turning the British public into a nation of couch spud and fat slob junk food addicts, all fit to drop, then they should be obliged to come up with suggestions and answers to combat and reverse the side effects of their culinary crap.”

“Let’s be honest and objective here, we don’t have an NSH that promotes good health, just this National Ill-Health Service that treats sickies – all focused on profits for health care trusts and their greedy grasping quacks – plus the hypocritical Big Pharma corporations who want to medicate everyone for any medical condition – and have the audacity to add that toxic poison fluoride to toothpaste and tell the stupid public it’s good for their teeth.”
“It’s the Curse of the 4 C’s - Cronyism, Collusion, Corruption, and Complacency – all run on the DOSRI principle : Directors, Officers, Seniors, Related Interests - offering the public the greatest discomfort and inconvenience at the highest prices.

“Then we have all these social abuse cases focused on binge drinking and alcohol abuse – and all the while Troublespot Taverns open their doors for breakfast. We have Crap Brew Ales selling 12% ABV Tithead Tankard and Bitch Thumper lager. Pit Bull Brewery produces another 12% draught - Dogbite Festive Ale – which actually tastes more like Dogpiss. Seriously, I was in my local Chunder Arms for a gargle on Sunday lunchtime and they’ve got Migrane Mixers on offer for £1 quid a bottle.”

“Hence, this is why we need to get the industries responsible for all these food and drink-related social and health problems set to task - to come up with some solutions. Just look at the sweet tooth bourse – supermarket shelves lined with choccies and candies and gum – then we have the soft drinks side – all the lot loaded up and laced with artificial sweeteners such as the neurotoxin aspartame.”

“Then scrutinise these processed and canned foods and insta-nuke meals – all full of salt and sugar and bad fats and toxic MSG – and colouring and preservatives. Just don’t get me started on the likes of those genetically-modified organisms either – like Monsanto’s Mutant Meals - it's all crap. We had a barbie last summer and some well-meaning dildo brought along a pack of Biffo’s Barf Burgers – and after the patties had been on the hot griddle iron for five minutes and the nasty transgenic fats rendered out, they shrivelled up like an old man’s scrotum.”

The primary solutions to the nation’s dietary ill-health related problems are hoped to be contained in a government white paper due to be published by 2015.
Working alongside the networks will be consumer and public health awareness groups including Pigswill Watch, Tumours Today, and the Monsanto Frankenfoods Faculty for Massive Profits.

Among the chew and spew junk food companies to join the ‘Food Responsibility’ network are the UK's leading supermarkets - and Compass, the catering firm famously embarrassed by Jamie Oliver on his Channel 4 programme ‘Jamie's School Chunder Wonders’ for manufacturing turkey twizzlers – the main ingredient of which was rumoured to be rooster’s foreskins.

The food sub-group on ‘Calorie Consciousness’ is to be chaired by PepsiCo, the U.S. company which owns Walkers Crap Crisps and manufactures the fizzy brown sticky shit that comes in ‘Regular’ or ‘Diet’ canned concoctions.

Thought for the day: Posh Dave Scameron’s “Let's all get round the table” approach has as much chance of success as shoving butter up a porcupine’s arse with a red hot knitting needle. How is any Big Society scheme going to work when you have Big Business involved – looking after their own end – and who think ‘pro-bono’ is a type of dog food?

One for posting on the Moron-Watch website: Anyone recall Health Sec’ Andrew Lansley’s blog entry on the Tory Party website in November 2008, in which the cretin claimed the ‘good things’ to emerge from a recession included unemployed people being able to spend more time with their homeless families - while sheltering from the rain under a two-meter square of canvas sheeting – or huddled together in soup kitchen lines – or locked up in the same cell at a debtor’s prison. And Cabbage Patch Dave has appointed this clot to the post of Health Secretary? We’re all fucked, for sure.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy, squirrel shit and essence of cormorant.