Sunday, 28 November 2010

UK Deep Freeze: Global Warming to Blame

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sub-zero temperatures and falls of heavy snow have hit Britain, prompting several of Her Majesty’s prisons to close – in accordance with the EU-mandated HSE regulations - and send convicts home as they can’t afford to run the heating systems since Libservative Chancellor Georgie Oddbourne slashed their ‘winter fuel allowance’ budget.

Travel has been disrupted across the full transport spectrum – air, canals, cycle paths, Segway ans mobility scooter lanes, rail and road – due icy conditions - with schools and hospitals shutting up shop until the Spring after several elderly patients in a Scroteborough NHS Trust geriatric ward were found frozen to their colostomy bags.

According to a leaked e-mail from Climategate House at the University of East Anglia, this is the earliest widespread snowfall to paralyze the UK since mammoths migrated south during the last Ice Age - circa 11,000 BCE – with the current cold spell expected to last until May or June next year -and is directly attributable to human industrial activity and bovine flatulence – the main causes of global warming.

Conversely, Professor Jarvis Fuctifino, chief anorak at the UK’s North Atlantic ‘Rockall Weather Station’ (the one beloved of all shipping forecast fetishists) speculated via SSB radio that it was a toss between being as cold as the fringe round a husky’s arsehole – or an Eskimo’s bell-end – both of which, in meteorological parlance, are apparently just slightly warmer than being dead.

Fuctifino was asked if man-made AGW was to blame again – the same as last December – Xmas week - when the Global Warming Summit in Copenhagen got snowed in and Al Bore and all his other carbon credits cap n trade exchange scamsters had to walk hundreds of miles to Germany to find an airport with a heated runway so they could fly home. (Hmmm, did any fucker or their dog catch the irony of that one, we wonder?)

“Take no notice of this anthropogenic global warming propaganda – it’s all a money-spinning racket - we’re only just emerging from the last Ice Age. Alas, CO2 is no longer a chemical - a gas – it is a devastating political weapon charged with mega-buck earning capabilities because of this AGW bankster-driven deception and Al Bore’s film - ‘A Convenient Bag of Lies.”

So, Professor Fuctifino, the burning question of the day is: why so cold and this much snow in mid-November in semi-tropical Britain?

“Well, this is a result of Bore’s global warming swindle and carbon credits cap and trade exchange bullshit. And we are talking relative ‘mountains’ of bullshit here - huge heaps and piles of the stuff dumped at strategic locations world-wide – becoming over-ripe, festering, and emitting so much methane and CO2 that it’s now airborne and has totally clogged the upper twatosphere - blocking out the sun’s rays. This is going to manifest into another ‘Maunder Minimum’- with the length and breadth of Britain becoming Chilblain Alley.”

Stop Press: (Drop the dead donkey).
* The Grand Masters Tournament at St Andrews golf course in Scotland was cancelled today after the players were unable to locate balls due the half meter of snow on the fairways.
* Lost – Coventry area. White tomcat – answers to the name of ‘Snowy’ – please text Wheelie Bin Mary 07938 434 666.
* Police and paramedics were summoned to the Premier League match between Man United and Scallydale Rangers after fans, enraged with overpaid dog wanker Wayne Rooney’s lack of ability to kick a ball straight, duct taped the useless tosser to a corner post and built a snowman around him.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Thought for the day: Fuck the carbon footprints, and Anthropogenic Global Warming – and the Carbon Credit Cap n Trade Exchange - and the New World Order.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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