Monday, 8 November 2010

Prince Charming Slags Off MoD

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Prince Andrew, aka ‘the grand old Duke of Pork’ has once again failed to engage brain before opening gob when he dug deep into his infinite reserves of unqualified arrogance and dished out a right royal slagging against Ministry of Defence chiefs for failing to "get off their fat arses" concerning the ordering of armoured vehicles.

Pontificating with his customary haughtiness, Andrew slammed the MoD for requiring independent IED / roadside bomb blast-resistance tests carried out on the new ‘Ranger Special Operations Vehicles’ (RSOV) before considering purchases.

Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the official MoD spokesman, informed an interviewer from Scrapheap Challenge that “We have looked into the Ranger vehicle’s technical aspects but it does not meet any of our current requirements. The size and weight of the prototype Ranger are similar to those of our converted VW Beetle and armoured Tonka vehicles that are already deployed across the entire Afghanistan theatre of operations.”

"In the event that future operational requirements are identified for a vehicle of its type then the Ranger could well be considered for beer, pizza and body bag deliveries to the front line. However, at a £ million quid apiece – without air-con’, they are well beyond our wish list range since the Chancellor’s done a Freddie Kruger job on slashing our annual budget.”

The Ranger is purported to be able to withstand a direct hit from a tactical nuclear weapon – and have the capacity to haul up to a six-man wounded or dismembered corpse payload like any other support vehicle – plus it scoots around Taliban minefields with the mobility of a Segway BMX Offroad model, and is as tough as old boots - hence any man’s army would be getting an all-in-one bargain – cheap at twice the price - according to the propaganda sales sheets put out by Universal Engineering, the Ranger’s manufacturer.

Prince Andrew was visiting Universal Engineering’s factory on Oil Drum Lane in Weymouth, Dorset, purportedly as part of his role as a UK trade ambassador, and was given a test run demo’ in the new Ranger vehicle, which the company claims offers superior protection for troops from the threat of street urchins, burka-clad suicide sluts – and roadside bombs.
When informed that the MoD was erecting impossible obstacles to postpone purchase committal, the porky Prince declared "I would say to you that regrettably they will not get off their fat arses to expedite these tests. Really, the MoD is as much use as tits on a bull at this kind of thing.”

As it is a well-established protocol that members of the Royal Family do not express political views in public, Buckingham Palace refused to comment on the Duke's stellar faux pas, saying it was a private conversation and he should learn to keep his trap shut – as he was starting to mirror his moronic father - ‘Virus Man’ / Prince Philip.

Yes, Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, a man who excels at rudeness and goes out of his way to insult every fucker and their dog – and when he pops his clogs after a lifetime of sponging off the British taxpayer (why the fuck don’t the Libservative government target this welfare benefit cheat) wants to be reincarnated as a deadly virus and decimate the world’s ‘useless eaters’. For fuck’s sake – who is a more useless piece of humanity that that inbred slack-jawed mutant? – the direct result of generations of swimming at the shallow end of the European gene pool.

So, what is Andrew getting his knickers in a knot over? The fact that the US Army’s 75th Extraordinary Rendition Regiment, currently involved with ‘Operation Kill Every Fucker Old Enough to Bleed’ in Afghanistan’s Bellend Province, invested in a fleet of the Ranger vehicles and the MoD won’t?
Nope sorry – Andy’s dummy-spiting pique was definitely not out of concern for the welfare of British troops serving with the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and 18th Body Bag Brigade – all still busy guarding Socal’s gas pipeline and the opium poppy crops in Afghanistan.

Andy’s doing what his ex-missus does best – influence peddling - when she’s not pissed out of her tiny mind and into total greed mode, auctioning off access to the UK’s Trade Ambassador – on eBay.
Yep, old Andy was doing the same, knowing only too well that his ‘little outburst’ would hit the pages of the gutter press tabloids – and publicise the dilemma for his ‘parties of self-interest’ cronies – James Gaggero, CEO of the Bland Group – owners of the Universal Engineering Company – manufacturers of the Ranger Special Operations Vehicle.

Oh yes, the Gaggero family and their Bland Group – an outfit which consists of a number of shady tax-dodging companies operating in Britain and internationally, but based in Gibraltar.

Perhaps discretion too is one of Prince Andrew’s weaker points – among a plethora of others. Perhaps one shouldn’t ask when he last visited James Gaggero’s £20 zillion quid Encombe House for a weekend’s Stag do - shooting and fishing – plus boozing and whoring - in the style of Lucullus.
Bought last year, Endcombe House is a Georgian pile set in the hills of Dorset, with a 2,000 acre shooting estate attached. Encombe is considered one of the best pheasant and deer shooting estates in the country with an eleven-hundred year history– stocked with carp and trout in ornamental lakes and also offers fly fishing for sea bass off its two and a half miles of private rocky coastline.

Persistent rumours circulating, that in light of the MoD showing no interest in purchases of the Ranger, Universal Engineering’s sales team have begun discussing orders for the vehicle with the Taliban’s chief of logistics, Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer, have been strongly denied by the Bland Group’s board.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and protected from litigation under the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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