Mohammed bin Mitty Dupes NATO

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Over the last few months, the ultra-secret talks unfolding between a ranking representative of the Taliban Dan Gang, and a cabal of Afghan President Hamid Kami-Karzai’s officials from the Kabul-based Ministry for Surrender, to end the nine year long conflict, appeared to be showing promise.
Optimistic Western military chiefs believed there was a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel – especially so as the inept Afghan bureaucrats were by then flanked and supported by US and NATO negotiators wielding attaché cases stuffed with bundles of tempting high denomination euro and dollar currency bills – ready to buy peace at any price.

This so-called ‘glimmer of light’ was due to the continued presence of a particular insurgent leader at the rebel end of the table: Mullah Akhtar Muhammad Mansour, identified by Britain’s MI6 to be a high ranking senior commander in Taliban Dan’s guerilla army and a likely lad to turn as a double agent.
However it turns out that the ‘glimmer of light’ must have been another train coming as Mullah Akhtar Muhammad Mansour was apparently not Mullah Akhtar Muhammad Mansour after all - but a notorious Pashtun ‘Bacha Bazi’ pimp and career con-man - and Bono look-alike - known as Mohammed bin Mitty.

After the shit had hit the fan head-on and then settled somewhat, CIA and Slackwater XE thugs extracted information from rebel stooges - via the tried and tested mediums of water boarding (with fizzy soft drinks / HSE-approved Diet Croak) and extraordinary rendition manicures (without the anaethetic) - that these talks between the US-NATO-backed governing Afghan hierarchy in Kabul and the Taliban representative, Mullah Akhtar Muhammad Mansour, were so top secret that even the Taliban had been unaware of them.

In a pulp fiction plot that could have been lifted from a trashy Andy McCrab terrorist novel, US and Afghan officials have been forced to admit to a guffawing media that Mullah Akhtar Muhammad Mansour was an impostor and high-level discussions conducted with the assistance of NATO appear to have achieved sweet fuck all.

"It’s not him – we’ve been severely conned – and MI6 is to blame – along with the Paki’ SIS,” was the opinion of Billy Bob McMoron, a US diplomat in Kabul, intimately involved in the discussions.
The Afghan Minister for Graft & Corruption, Istimna ibn Himar, told reporters “We gave this Taliban impostor lots and lots of money – zillions of bucks, in fact - to broker a peace deal – and now he has jolly well buggered off to Pakistan and we can’t find him."

Other American State Department and NATO officials confirmed Monday they had given up hope that the Afghan was Mullah Mansour, or even a member of the Taliban leadership – or even knew anyone that was remotely related to a member of Taliban Dan’s gang

Whatever the Afghan man’s true identity - and even if he really was Mohammed bin Mitty or just another Paki’ shop-keeper impersonating him too - the talks that unfolded between the warring factions seemed substantive – to anyone with severe learning difficulties.

Apparently Mr bin Mitty laid down several surprisingly moderate conditions for a peace settlement - that they were willing to allow President Hamid Kami-Karzai’s National Kleptocracy Party to carry on misgoverning the country and supplying the global market with opium and heroin. All they wanted in return was for Taliban Dan and other ranking rebel leaders to be permitted to open an international 5-star vacation ‘Honeymoon Paradise’ spa resort at the Tora Bora Caves National Park – to be staffed by hundreds of exotic Thai ladyboys and Filipina ‘virgins’ - and financed with US dollars.

As for himself, Mullah Mansour / Mohammed bin Mitty, accepted a couple of suitcases stuffed with foreign currencies – plus the promise of a Blockbuster Video loyalty card when the Taliban actually signed a peace treaty.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.