UK Passenger Trains = Sardine Cans

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Rail passengers in England and Wales face substantial increases in the already unacceptable overcrowding levels in carriages, according to a report just leaked by whistleblowers at the Ministry for Total Fuckups and passed on to Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers public watchdog charity.

Once the report had been published in the public arena, Minister Sir Irwin Bogbrush informed a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that it mystified passengers – and too himself - where all the money from the constant fare rises went – as it obviously wasn’t being spent on extra carriages – plus rail franchise companies should be made to tackle overcrowding and no longer rely on being granted government subsidies under George Oddbourne’s draconic regime as Chancellor.

The Public Accounts Committee chairwoman Baroness Fellattia Titwank told an interviewer on Channel 69’s ‘Money for Old Rope’ programme that MPs were concerned the already disgraceful levels of overcrowding will simply get worse and ever more intolerable.
She added: "At present there is no incentive for the rail industry to supply extra capacity without additional public subsidy – so they carry on as they always have – milking the golden goose until it can’t lay any more eggs.”

PM Posh Dave Scameron has announced that under his watch, when operators apply for future franchises he is going to require them to take measures to totally eliminate overcrowding and meet the costs of doing so from their own deep pockets and stop relying on government bail-outs and subsidies. Hence if they decline then they’ll be refused an operators licence, with the concession franchise auctioned off to the highest bidder who can fit the bill.

Meanwhile Bazzer McTwatt, director of the Department for Transport, told the media they are 18 months into a five-year / £9 zillion quid investment programme to improve rail travel. This will involve longer platforms being built to accommodate all the passengers left standing around alike spare pricks at a wedding when the scheduled train service fails to turn up – yet again.

McTwatt added there was concern that the Office of Rail Regulation had been in place for more than a decade but hadn’t yet succeeded in getting a grip on the inherent inefficiencies of the rail franchise operators, summing up the dilemma with the critical stinger “They’re about as much use as tits on an effing bull.”

“I mean one’s as bad as the other, especially for peak rush hour periods – First Crapita Connect, Docklands Shit Rail, RattleTrack, Thiefrow Express – and both Virgin Rail and Slut Trains. They’ve got passengers crammed into carriages like the Tokyo Metro – sardines in a can. Now with all this EUSSR bullshit that’s spewing out of Brussels, surely there’s something in the HSE regulations – risk assessments and all that good shit - to enforce a policy of no standing so the train operators have to put on extra carriages. Seriously, it’s going to get like India – more passengers on the outside of the train than inside.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.