Budget Cuts Fuel Child Labour Market

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative coalition’s Chancellor Georgie Oddbourne has come under fire from Kid Power, the radical children’s rights group, over his drastic emasculations of school budgets, family allowances, welfare benefits and child tax credits, which are forcing unemployed, poverty-stricken parents to send their sprogs out to work in order to support themselves.

However Sir Genghis McTwatt, Secretary of State at the recently-established Ministry for Child Labour informed a reporter from the Slavery Gazette that in order to reduce the enormous national debt owed to bottom feeding foreign banksters and the IMF it was imperative that everyone do their bit for Queen and country – children included.
“The days of the Nanny State are now over due the austerity measures forced on us by the EUSSR in Brussels. It’s every man and woman - and child – for themselves; survival of the fittest, so to speak.”

Twenty-plus East European Scumeranian pikey children, between the ages of five and nine were discovered by Kid Power working in a field in Smegmashire last week, harvesting row upon row of Monsanto’s genetically-modified mutant Triffids, intended for the production of the miracle-growth carbon unfriendly Bio-Frankenfuels.

Acting on information received, members of the local Plod Squad, reinforced by Common Purpose-trained Stasi social workers, raided the experimental GMO crop site, arresting a pair of unlicenced Albanian gangmasters who claimed they were simply passing by on a swan-spotting excursion and stopped to chat to the teeny-bopper labourers.
The children have now been taken into care and shipped up north to Scotland’s kiddie-fiddling capital of Aberdeen, where they’ve been inducted at the Ferryhill Child Adoption centre awaiting sale to the highest bidder at the paedo’ paradise’s next sex slave auction.

However it’s not just Eastern bloc kids who are infesting an already-swamped labour market. Primary and secondary schools across the UK are reporting that class numbers have been depleted at a geometric rate since ‘Cabbage Patch’ Scameron’s Libservative government did a scorched earth job on welfare benefits, forcing kids to forego their education in order to keep themselves in the lifestyles they’ve grown accustomed to under Labour’s cushy social security state: new video games at £40-odd quid a throw; Blackberry cell phones; designer chav shell suits; 10 gram bags of snort; White Lightning cider; Bid TV bling – the list of ‘must haves’ goes endlessly on.

Obviously unscrupulous gangmasters are out to exploit this situation wherever possible, with adverts appearing on Facebook and in the new and innovative Job Vacancies section of kid’s comics such as the Bunty, Beano and Dandy – advertising for “Cockle Pickers’ – Morecambe Bay – must be good swimmers!” “Young female escorts and hostesses wanted by City centre nightclubs and casinos to entertain Arab clientele – must have hair they can sit on!” “Apprentice tunnel rats needed for mining contract in Chile – mustn’t be claustrophobic or afraid of the dark!” “Pickpockets required – no experience necessary as training will be given – apply Mr Frankie Fagin, Terminal 2 Arrivals Lounge / men’s toilets / Thiefrow Airport.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.