Thursday, 18 November 2010

UK Pays Out Torture Camp Compo’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

At a time when draconic austerity measures are being enforced across the broad spectrum of the UK’s public spending budget by Tory Chancellor George Oddball – condemning the middle classes to extinction and the already-marginalised members of society to abject poverty - the Libservative coalition government have now decided, in their infinite sense of fair play and street smart wisdom, to award a bunch of British Muslim terrorist ‘suspects’ with a lotto jackpot figure in personal injury compensation.

The baker’s dozen - who were extradited to the US extraordinary rendition interrogation and concentration camp facility at Gitmo Bay in communist Cuba in 2002 for the simple reason they looked a ‘bit dodgy’ and were on the Jihadi Chronicle’s subscribers list – are to receive a large brown paper parcel containing a few zillion quid to divvy up amongst themselves – as a gesture of apology for their inconvenience in missing several family Christmases together plus their annual Ramadan diet – but most definitely not as an admission of culpability for any form of human rights or wrongs abuses by HM Government’s MI5 and MI6 security services.

Hmmm, much the same as the notorious Hollie Greig case in Scotland’s kiddie fiddling capital of Aberdeen – parallels could most definitely be drawn - wherein poor Hollie, a registered disabled person suffering from Down’s Syndrome was fortunate enough to be awarded £13,000-plus quid from the Criminal Compensation Fund for ‘not’ being sexually assaulted while still a minor by the incumbent Sheriff and a legion of other local Masonic paedophiles posing as upstanding members of polite society.

Payments to former detainees at Guantanamo Bay most definitely do not represent "admissions of culpability" and the amounts paid will remain secret, according to the Tory’s answer to Mr Creosote – the lard-arsed Ken Clarke - current Justice Secretary and MP for Shitcliffe.
Of course it’s going to remain a secret – this is yet another can of worms they do not want spilling out across the length and breadth of the world’s media – especially the alternative news media – that not owned and controlled by ultra-Zionists and kikester apologists. Such would be a harbinger of political doom for the guilty.

Thus the former Jolly Jihad detainees have agreed to be bound by confidentiality agreements concerning the payments, which our old friends, the ubiquitous government whistleblowers, report as running to several zillion tax-free quid.

Pox News reported last night that the released mujihadeen could receive more than £1 million quid each – with none of the usual deductions for their keep, board and lodgings. One of the largest payouts will go to Mr Binman Mohamed, who was released from the Gitmo concentration camp last year – where he claims to have been the victim of brutal treatment – being fed haraam fried Spam and chips for lunch every day and forced to watch Pinky and Perky TV re-runs at night.

Also topping the pay-out figures is Mr Fizzy al Kaseltzer, who filed a personal injury claim over incidences of being buggered on a daily basis by US Marine guards at Gitmo Bay. Fizzy told reporters “My proctologist says they ruptured my sphincter and that is why I keep walking funny and can't stop farting.”

Meanwhile, at the other end of the crazy compensation scale we have Muslim prisoners – the criminal scally and scrote types – not political – at HMP Leeds, launching a multi-million pound claim for compensation after they were offered Spam sandwiches during the holy month of Ramadan for their Iftaar evening meal.

They are now threatening legal action, insisting that their human rights were breached and could each be entitled to up to £10,000 in compensation if they win their case at court.

One gobby Muslim inmate, Mr Istimna bin Manuke Khara, who was serving a 16-week sentence for driving DUI whilst disqualified, told the Whingeing Gits Review “When I opened my meal that night I found I'd been given a Spam sandwich when I’d ordered a BLT. It was a breach of my human rights and I want £10,000 quid in compensation or else I’ll go to Afghanistan and join Al Qaeda.”

Thought for the day: Inside England’s infamous Newgate Debtors Prison during the 1700 and 1800’s if you had nobody outside to supply your meals, you basically starved – as the prison ration was one penny’s-worth of dry stale bread every four days – and that was the victual allowance for God-fearing Anglo-Saxon Christian folks, not picky heathens.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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