Thursday, 4 November 2010

Salford Explosion Caused by Predator Drone

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Three homes were flattened and a score more properties structurally damaged on Tuesday, in what was initially believed to be a gas explosion at a property on Al Qaeda Terraces, a quiet residential corner of Salford’s Slumrow Hamlets sink or swim housing estate.

Frank Bogbrush, chief executive of Shit Pit Housing, the company which owns Slumrow Hamlets, said he believed the extensive damage to properties was caused by a domestic heating gas explosion.
"As part of the modernization plan for our ‘affordable’ housing projects around the Irlam and Salford areas we’re installing windows throughout, plus running water and flush toilets in the kitchens and bathrooms – and every residence equipped with gas and electricity. Thus we consider it quite likely that what has happened is connected to the branch pipework on the gas mains being undertaken by the EU-recommended sub-contractors from Pikey Plumbing in Estonia. I just hope their public liability insurance is paid up to date.”

While no-one was killed by the explosion or falling buildings, Mrs Hilda Gronk, a resident of the now-demolished No 16 Al Qaeda Terraces, was hospitalized overnight after swallowing her dentures, while fourteen other neighbours suffered minor injuries – ranging from perforated eardrums to fractured skulls, to a garden gnome embedded in one pensioner’s ribcage.

The Health and Safety Executive has begun a joint inquiry with the Greater Manchester Plod Squad into the actual cause of the explosion, with initial forensic tests revealing it wasn’t due a pocket of leaking gas being ignited but rather a twenty pound charge of military grade PBXN-112/MAC Thermobaric explosive, specifically the type used in AGM-114N Hellfire missile warheads.

Mrs Gronk told one reporter from the Daily Shitraker “I’d just put me porridge on the stove fer breakfast like, an’ then there woz this effin’ big bang from the kitchen an’ the lounge ceilin’ fell on us - and me husband Jack sez “Shit, woz that a gas explosion?” – an’ I came straight back, instinctively like, wiv “Fuck me no, it sounded more like one of them American AGM-114N Hellfire missiles yer hear on the telly goin' off in Afghanistan - hittin’ number 14 next door.”

Since this revelation from Mrs Gronk hit the news grapevine, several witnesses to the event have come forward and stated for the public record that they saw what looked very like a General Atomics MQ-9 ‘Reaper’ Predator drone - armed with AGM-114N Hellfire missiles – make a low pass over Al Qaeda Terraces before circling to gain altitude then loosing a missile - targeted directly at the home of an Afghani immigrant, a certain Mr Fizzy al Kaseltzer, a retired Muslim prayer mat weaver who is currently abroad - on vacation in Yemen.

Salford Plod Squad spokeswoman PC Bevelrly Titwank informed gutter press hacks out to sensationalise the incident that rumours concerning a nuclear–powered Stegway being purposely crashed into the housing complex by radical Jihadi warriors from the local mosque’s madrassa have now been discounted as total bullshit

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and protected from litigation under the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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