Monday, 29 November 2010

Tory Foot in Mouth Syndrome Contagious

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Last week the long-suffering British voters got shut of one geriatric gobshite Tory peer, Lord Young of Gaffe, who was mandated from on high to apologise for informing a wholly unaware public – in a rehash of SuperMac’s 1957 speech – that we’ve never had it so good – obviously getting confused with the fact that ‘he’s never had it so good’.

The 96-year old senile peer, renowned for his unqualified arrogance, was then forced to resign his Tory Party affiliations and commit ritual seppuku by hurling himself, in traditional self-harm lemming mode, from the crenellated battlements of the Tory HQ atop Millbank Tower - into the alligator and piranha-infested moat, three hundred feet below.

Now we have yet another slack-jawed Hooray Henry clot who fails to engage brain before opening gob – specifically the newly-appointed Tory peer, Howard Shite - aka Lord Faux Pas of Dropped Bollock - who was given a Chinese burn by the party whips and strong-armed into making a grovelling apology after telling a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that Posh Dave Scameron’s draconic cuts to child benefit would put the middle classes off breeding any more sprogs for a generation - but will contrarily incentivise the homeless unemployed and marginalised poor infesting the nation’s sink or swim housing estates to breed like rats and cash in on the opportunity to make a few extra bob.

Shite’s comments sparked public outrage and were immediately disowned by Downing Street, with Cabbage Patch Dave demanding a public apology – especially to the Tory-voting middle classes – and as a further sop - to the Labourite / Communist pauper sectors of Britsh society.

Lord Shite’s moronic remarks on ‘breeding’ have revived memories of a 1974 speech made by the bigoted, racist Tory Minister for Eugenics, Keith Joseph, aka the Mad Monk, in which he warned that ‘our upper class human stock is threatened’ by high birth rates among the uneducated mongrel poor.

Known to friends and political associates alike as a bit of a dim-witted dork, they claim Howard Shite was simply exercising his Democratic right to act and talk alike a complete dildo – and nothing unusual there.
His ‘loose lips sink ships’ handicap cost him the Parliamentary seat as the Tory MP candidate for Scumborough Sands in the 2005 General Election when party leader Michael ‘Vlad’ Howard gave him the ‘bum’s rush’ due his failure to engage brain before opening mouth yet again.

Conversely, Shite was led to understand he had been forgiven for transgressions past by the new Conservative Party hierarchy when he was recently bestowed with a life peerage, to become ‘Vermin in Ermine’ and sit in the Upper House as a Tory ‘Lord’ – and was thus free to strut around alike some pompous capon and impale himself afresh via the medium of his own careless loquacity.

Baron Shite, as he prefers to be addressed, is an individual of ‘independent means’ and hence can afford to breed his mongrel progeny at will. His four daughters, Mingeeter, Fellattia, Skankella, and Chlamydia, all born with a silver spoon, are post-graduates of the prestigious Slapperama Institute for Advanced Sloth in Geneva, and who all gained degrees in Ostentatious Waste and Hedonistic Squandering.

Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s indexed lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Howard Shite or his pathetic human condition – apart from the fact he doesn’t qualify for a slot in the index of Linnaean taxonomy. However it has been unanimously agreed by a synod of the party faithful at Millbank Tower that the word CUNT comes pretty close.

Thought for the day: According to statistics collected by the Institute for Fiscal Studies, they appear to back up what Lord Shite had the cheek to speculate on aloud in the public arena. A quickie ‘eyeball audit’ of the stat’s reveals that Labour’s reforms to family benefits, such as working family and child tax credits, had jointly served to boost the burgeoning birth rate amongst the poorest households by 15 per cent – leading to an extra 45,000 children sponging off public funds since Gordon Broon got behind the desk at Downing Street.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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