Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Northern Rock Bleeds Taxpayers

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The boss of Northern Rock has abruptly quit his job in a fit of adolescent pique after receiving criticism from government ministers – and will be paid nearly £83,000 a month to do nothing until May 2011, the embattled bank admitted yesterday, to its everlasting shame.

In a move slammed by Libservative ministers as ‘a disgusting fuck up’, ex-CEO Gary McScumm will walk away with a stuffed billfold and enjoy half a year’s ‘gardening leave’ at the taxpayers’ expense.
The 50-year-old fully tonsured chief executive, looking like a refugee from Fraggle Rock more so than Northern Rock, has quit to take up a mega-bucks position overseeing the establishment of a new British bank ready to cash in on any future government bail-outs - NBNK Investments.

The new banking business which dreams of building a substantial presence on the UK High Streets has been funded with a £50 zillion quid ready cash start up fund - delivered to their main London offices above the Spinnerama Laundrette on Penny Pincher Street, EC2, in several large suitcases that arrived at Thiefrow Airport via Mexico City, Panama and Bogota on a private charter flight last weekend.

NBNK Investments, headed by such financial heavyweights as Shylock Slimeberg, chairman of the Tel Aviv-based ‘First Deadwood Bank of Usury’ will initially launder the money, but hopes to focus on traditional, personalised banking services – such as imposing typical 100% APR charges on customers with unauthorised overdrafts, foreclosing on overdue mortgages, and unleashing rabid bailiffs to evict defaulting customers from the one piece of brick-solid collateral that’s keeping their family warm and dry.

The promise of another bank collapse due dodgy investments in the crap financial derivatives market and an even bigger government / taxpayer funded quantitative easing package (another bail-out) next time around have spurred several quasi-monetary institutions to open High Street banks and pick up the pieces when Santander is forecast to go tits up in a spectacular Busby Berkeley fashion early in the New Year.

Last month Hammerhead Loans launched the UK's first new High Street bank in more than 100 years. Plus earlier this year Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Money also acquired a banking licence, which government ministers pray will be more successful than his ‘deflated’ balloon ventures.

Back with Northern Rock’s CEO bailing out and receiving a mega-bucks compo’ package - a stupid ‘Judas Greedy Gits’ clause written into his contract means that Northern Rock, which is 100 per cent owed by the taxpayer, must still pay McScumm – even though he’s spit the dummy over constructive criticism of his mismanagement and quit of his own accord.

This means that from Wednesday – the day he left Northern Rock – until May 1st, when he eventually props his feet up on a desk at NBNK Investments, the smarmy McScumm can say “Well, fuck it - that’s gonna be a doddle – a few months gardening leave through the effin’ winter – an’ I’ve already got a pikey bloke wot comes round an’ does the gardenin’ on the cheap.”

For the entire six months McScumm will be paid his salary plus several other equally lucrative benefits, despite not doing a single day’s work.
So he’ll clock up £350,000 quid in wages, pension contributions worth £140,000 plus company car and fuel benefits worth £6,420. In total, the shameless twat will scoop up more than £496,400 without lifting a finger, which adds up to about £82,736 a month.

The deal will obviously infuriate many of the bank’s workers, who earn an average of £19,000 a year. Even more so the 2,150 employees who were laid off when Northern Rock went tits up a couple of years ago and was rescued by a most reluctant British taxpayer who still believe a Darwinian policy of survival of the fittest should have been enforced and let failing banks go under.

Baz Fuctifino, spokesman for the campaign group TaxPayers’ Alliance, told one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that ‘Whilst Northern Rock is still wholly taxpayer owned, bail-out’s like this one really suck big-time. Obviously McScumm’s package was cobbled together by himself – or if it really was one of the dildos from the Financial Services Authority or some twat from the useless Alastair Darling’s office, then they must have been stricken with very serious learning difficulties – perhaps to the extreme level of ESN (Educationally Sub Normal).”

Hmmm, something stinks in Denmark and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.

Rumours that the NBNK acronym actually stands for ‘New Bank of North Korea’ and is wholly owned by Kim Jong Il are being strenuously denied by the bank's board.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and protected from litigation under the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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