Sunday, 14 November 2010

Plod Squad Run Dating Service?

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A female Plod Squad community support officer who abused police records to check out potential romantic partners has been fined £100 and further sentenced to a 50 hour Community Service Order.

Magistrates at Smegmadale-on-Sea heard that PCSO Fellattia Titwank illegally and repeatedly accessed the Smegmashire Police confidential computerized database during her night shifts to modify and edit the personal details of suspects and convicted criminals, plus access property security systems and vehicle details via the DVLA link.

The 25-year-old, of Nympho Terraces, Snatchborough pleaded guilty to a baker’s dozen counts of obtaining classified information illegally – further admitting to gaining access to one potential sexual partner's file several hundred times over a three month period – a certain Tonton Macoute named Jaffacake Jerry, who acted as a Yardie enforcer - for the purposes of carnal arousal and as an aid to self-masturbation.

PCSO Titwank, an outed bisexual shagaholic, told the court in mitigation of her sins that she was unable to resist reviewing the criminal files and photos of all the locally-based kinky yobsters, gang-banging scallies, necrophiliac scrotes, butch dyke chavettes – and Sith-wannabee hoodies caught trying their hand as serial rapists.

“I couldn’t help meself – sat there every effin’ night, inputtin’ data inter the system, so I’d get bored an’ log on ter the Shag-Match BD/SM datin’ website an’ have a browse around. Then it struck me that our police database woz chocker full of all kinds of young good-lookin’ an’ fit blokes – an’ it had all their personal detail an’ addresses an’ what have yer listed down as well.”

“So I thought ter meself like ‘Fuck it girl, find yerself a fit toyboy wot can bang the arse off yer an’ really get yer rocks off’. So I e-mails this lad Bazzer McScrunt wot’s got an Asbo fer doin’ a few Stop n Robs wiv a Roland Rat mask on – an’ he’s got a job since he got nicked - as a gully-sucker’s mate wiv the council – an’ he’s a real fit sex machine – like a pikey’s dog – all dick an’ ribs.”

“So we gets chattin’ online an’ like a bit of a daft twat I send him me piccie an’ he posts the effin’ thing on his Facebook page. The next thing yer know I’ve got cock comin’ outa me arse – literally – but him an’ his mates all want a favour in return – so apart from me doin’ them all a suck an’ swallow trick an’ bein’ their three-hole bitch - I’ve got ter wipe their crim’ records clean off the database at work.”

“Then it started getting’ outa hand and a bit messy, wot wiv them demandin’ security details of local businesses an’ getting’ me ter ignore the silent alarms when they go an’ blag some joint at night while I’m on shift – an’ I only carried on doin’ it fer them cos they always give me a mob-handed gang bang after.”
“So, that’s wot happens when yer let yer pussy do the thinkin’ instead of yer effin’ brain.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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