NY Teachers Paid to Sit on Their Asses

Hundreds of New York City public school teachers accused of offences ranging from kiddie fiddling to bank robbery and domestic terrorism are being paid their full salaries to sit around all day playing with themselves, surfing the Internet or throwing arrows at a Barky O’Barmy dartboard.

Because union contracts make it extremely difficult to fire tenured teachers for anything less than first degree murder or genocide, they have been banished by the school system to its ‘rubber rooms’ - off-campus office spaces where they wait years – or even decades - for their disciplinary hearings to materialise.

The seven hundred-plus teachers so ostracised can practice ferret juggling, work on conspiracy theory blogs, paint nude portraits of their feisty female colleagues – or simply jack off all day - anything in fact but school work.
They’re still entitled to paid summer vacations just like their classroom colleagues and enjoy weekends, holidays and production bonuses throughout the school year.

Because the teachers collect their full salaries of $70,000 and up, the city Department of Education estimates the practice costs the taxpayers $65 million a year – which the D0E blames on union rules – and definitely not their own stupid regulations.

"You just basically sit there for eight hours – until the effin’ bell goes," said Garfield Glitter, who spent nine months in a rubber room, officially known as a ‘temporary reassignment centre’ – for holding ‘comparative anatomy’ lessons with his 15-year old female biology class students.

Jake McTwat, an ex-Gulf War Delta Force vet’, worked as a temporary gym teacher in East Harlem until he was suspended following complaints that he’d turned his class pupils into martial arts ‘killing machines’.

"If the principal wants you out, you're history," said Fuk Yew Tu, a high school paranoia teacher who has been in a reassignment center for three years after accusing an assistant principal of being an alien Grey stooge for Reptilians from the Draco star system.

Similarly, Candida Snatchrot, was suspended following allegations of nymphomania and that she had been ‘flogging her golly’ to her teenage male students and then posting photos and webcam footage of the amorous encounters on Facebook.

Once their hearings are over, they are either sent back to the classroom or fired. However due the fact their cases are heard by 23 arbitrators who work only five days a month, stints of two or three years in a rubber room are common, and some teachers have been there for decades.

Ms Fellatia van der Gobble was suspended from active classroom duties in 1992 after ripping the scrotum off an abusive male student who dared grope her exposed buttocks as she bent over a desk – she retired in April on full pension and benefits – her case still unheard after 17 years.

The nickname ‘Rubber Room’ refers to the padded cells of old insane asylums, which disaffected educators claim is fitting, since some of the inhabitants are genuine headbangers and don't belong in the classroom – as teachers or pupils.

Miriam Scruntberg is an art teacher who’s been in a rubber room near Madison Square Garden for three years after she was accused of being a ‘whingeing cunt’ by her principal following her complaint against a pupil who had stabbed her with a pair of scissors.

She passes her reassignment centre days by painting watercolors of her fellow detainees and the adjacent woodlands visible from the windows. "The days just seemed to crawl by until I started painting," Scruntberg told Pox News, “Now I have regular exhibitions of my work at a Greenwich Village art gallery.”

Dinsdale Barfstein, who has been in a Brooklyn reassignment centre since 2007, told a reporter from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette that he was falsely accused of throwing the bird at school governor following an argument.
Barfstein has used the time to start his own rubber room-based call centre and built another career in tele-marketing – all via the in-house phone.