Wednesday, 1 July 2009

White Supremacist Nutter Targets Wimbledon

The sacred Isle of Rockall is today reeling in shock and awe at breaking news of a Special Branch investigation of local man Fingal McTwat, arrested on charges related to terrorist activities.

McTwat had been travelling from Rockall to Liverpool on the daily car ferry, where he got drunk in the saloon bar and urinated down the leg of Pandit Jaffacake, a Pakistani waiter, while uttering several racist insults concerning Mr. Jaffacake’s mother.

Detained and questioned by police from the harbour Scouse Squad upon docking in Liverpool, a search of his holdall revealed a BNP membership card, a train pass to London, tickets to the centre court at Wimbledon, and several tennis balls stuffed with a malodourous substance that police initially described as “summat else than yer usual fresh air fillin’”.

Forensic examination of the tennis balls revealed they were packed with a deadly high brisance explosive cocktail of weedkiller, crushed sugar mice and seagull shite - harvested from Rockall’s famed guano pits – which itself has a radioactive half life of six weeks.
The balls had been fitted with blue sump fuses that would enable them to be lit and then thrown – hand grenade fashion.

A search of McTwat’s home on Rockall’s Periwinkle Point, led by the island’s Inspector Guillemot, revealed a notebook entitled "Waffen SS UK skinhead members' handbook" which contained drawings of electronics and chemical mixture recipes, and four cans of IG Farben’s Zyklon B ‘shower-power’ vermin exterminator gas.

The search further discovered links between McTwat and the anarchist militant group “The Popular Front for the Liberation of Smegmadale-on-Sea” whose radical members were suspected of blowing up a deckchair last summer.

McTwat is reported to have been possessed by an "unhealthy interest" in Nazi death camps and the Holohoax, read the biographies of all the major serial killers, and had an autographed photo of Oklahoma City bombing patsy Timothy McVeigh hung on his shed wall.

McTwat, a former verger of the island’s ‘Church of What’s Happening Now’, left school at 12 without qualifications but had later achieved an NVQ1 diploma in Thugee from an online Bombay University that secured him a job as a local council cormorant strangler.

However Pox News reported that he has been unemployed for 10 years after being sacked from his last job for chronic rhubarb addiction and biting the heads off ducks.

Following an all-night session of ‘extreme rendition’ where he was forced to eat several ‘Supersize Me’ Chew n Spew burgers with large fries and coke, McTwat confessed to his plan of wanting to terrorise the Wimbledon tournament by “blowin’ up all the darkies an’ foreign types wot woz playin’ tennis there.”

Local Rockall landlord Jack Scrunt, of the Fighting Dog and Pikey pub, told a reporter from Pox News “It’s come as a big surpirise to us all, Fingal being involved in a terrorist plot. We know he’s an effin’ nutter but he’s always come across as not havin’ the brains to shit straight.”

It was further revealed that McTwat, who lives in a garden shed behind his parent’s house on Rockall’s Periwinkle Point, hasn’t spoken to either his mother or father for over ten years as he believes their bodies have been taken over by shape-shifting alien Greys.

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