Sunday, 5 July 2009

Giant Earth Sculpture gets Derogatory Title

Dubbed "Goddess of the Numpty North", Scumlandia will be made from two million tonnes of earth and slag dug out from an open cast mine at Scumdale, then topped with turf nicked at night from the nearby Scumford Sands Golf Course, and eventually tower hundreds of feet into the gray polluted skies.

The Goddess, designed by artist Wentworth Fuctifino to represent the Gaia / Earth Mother principle, will recline over the Shitton open-cast mine and form the centre piece of a new public environmental park – similar to Cornwall’s ‘Eden Project’ but without the plants and trees – or wildlife.

The open-cast site, which began mining radioactive Smegmatite earlier this year, will produce around 3.4 million tonnes of the ore, 750,000 tonnes of cough n spit carcinogenic asbestos and two million tonnes of assorted geological shite per annum during its projected eighty year lifespan.

The entire development is estimated to cost around £2.5 million, and work will begin on the sculpture as soon as the mine orperators have large enough piles of shite and slag to enable construction.

Plans for the sculpture, which will be visible from the Moon, were approved by Smegmashire County Council last month after the 2,500 people who had originally objected to the open cast mine project and the park all conveniently died suddenly from a highly virulent strain of the Sneezy Pig H1N1 swine flu virus.

Fellatia van der Gobble, community director at the Land_Rapers mining company, told a reporter from the Environmental Pillager’s Review "Our dual aims with Scumlandia are to create an outstanding artistic landmark from the open pit’s tailings and waste dumps which will stand alongside the region's other main tourist attractions – the gas works and the new immigration detention facility.”

"It will take around 4 hours just to walk all the way around the Goddess, and the design has been enhanced with more paths to allow visitors to the park to easily ascend the figure and stand atop the high point summits – her thrusting nipples.”

"As well as the earth sculpture itself, the surrounding landform park will offer important nature conservation and public health benefits – including mud slides - hence providing both local people and tourists with an ideal place to really bond with nature and physically exert themselves - and suffer dehydration, strokes or heart attacks.”

Conversely Smegmashire county councillor Hector McTwat told a reporter from the Tortoise Polisher’s Gazette that the entire concept of the Goddess of the North earth sculpture was "effin’ barmy".

"It’s bleedin’ ridiculous to think that something like a mountain-sized recumbent naked woman, who is only there as a result of all of the waste and slag from the mine, is a good way of attracting tourists to Scumdale."

“Yer know what the local wits and pub anarchists are calling our Goddess already – before she’s even constructed ? – the Scumdale Slag.”

No comments: