Pub Closures Blamed for Binge Drinking

That great traditional stalwart of the British working classes – the iconic local pub - was clocked as closing at a geometric rate of 52 per week in the first half of 2009 – a 30% hike on the same period in 2008 – according to a report just issued by the British Beer and Taverns publication – the Pisshead’s Gazette.

Local pubs became the most vulnerable as communities were hit by the fallout of the economic downturn, with regular drinkers and all-out alcoholics having to resort to cheaper brands of plonk – such as low octane paint stripper, anti-freeze, unleaded sherry, decaffeinated meth’s and semi-fermented dog piss.

Opinions have varied as to the why’s and wherefore’s of binge drinking in the past but Tavistock Institute psychologist Fellatia van der Gobble – who works part-time as a bar maid – postulates, after reading the report, that when the younger generation are out on the lash they drink as much – and as fast – as possible to get their fill before the pub is slapped with an Alcohol Disorder Zone notice halfway through their bender session and converted into yet another of the UK’s ubiquitous Pound Stretcher shops – or gets demolished to construct one more of the local council’s favourite buildings – an additional ‘zero occupancy’ high rise office block.

Candida Mingerot, a 16-year old mother of three, told a reporter from the Alcoholics Review “I can only get out at weekends when me Mum looks after der kids like, so we goes down ter our local boozer an’ yer gotta queue up fer yer drink an’ the effin’ bar staff are such effin’ slackarses an’ so slow that we smuggle a couple of bottles of cheap liquor in wiv us fer top-ups.”

“If der weather’s good we just grab a load of discount plonk from Bargain Booze or Threshers or der Grotty Grocer supermarket an’ we goes an’ squats in a bus shelter or der park an’ gets rat-arsed cos der pubs charge too effin’ much.”

Conversely Vinnie McTwat, a 17-year old apprentice skateboard mechanic, informed Pox News “We woz in de pub celebratin’ like cos me mate Ghengis ‘ad just cum outa court fer stabbin’ two plastic plods an’ ‘e got off wiv an Asbo an’ a Community Service Order cos all the effin’ jails are full like.”

“Anyways we’re ‘avin’ a few pints of Bitch Thumper and this Bob der Builder type bloke comes up an’ tells us all ter fuck off – polite-like – cos they’re turnin’ the boozer inter an effin’ charity shop ter collect money fer gollies in some shit’ole called Africa.”

British Beer and Taverns spokesman Armitage Shanks told the media “Obviously we don’t mind the binge drinking yobs, chavs and hoodie types – they really fill our tills. It’s the old fogeys who come in and sit down with half a pint of Old Headbanger and make it last them the evening while they sit by the fire and read the pub newspapers and watch our tellys.”