Sunday, 12 July 2009

Woman Arrested for Noisy Sex

An unemployed Scumdale-on-Sea woman has been remanded in custody accused of breaching an ASBO (Anti-Social Behaviour Order) banning her from being noisy during sex.

Neighbours complained of hearing Fellatia Sodomberg, a 17-year old mother of three, howling in orgasmic ecstasy and her bed’s headboard banging against the wall at her home in Nymphomania Terrace while she reportedly masturbated with a variety of seasonal salad vegetables – including one of Pukesbury’s ‘Snobs’ range of finest Mediterranean cucumbers.

Earlier this month she was given a four-year ASBO banning her from making excessive noise anywhere in England while having sex after being convicted of a breach of the peace while engaged in what police officers diplomatically termed “An al fresco cluster fuck dogging session with a group of a dozen like-minded male and female perverts on the lawn of her back garden after dark.”

However she appeared in court on Monday charged with three breaches of her ASBO in just 10 days and was remanded in custody by magistrates until 5th May for said breaches and also committing lascivious acts of self-gratification while stood in the dock which she explained away with “Me twat woz itchin’ so I scratched it.”

Ms. Sodomberg, a member of the local Swingers and Doggers Anonymous club for persons with nuclear powered sex drives was convicted of five breaches of a noise abatement notice on 17th April and fined £515.

At the time of the conviction she told reporters from the gutter press “I can’t effin’ ‘elp it, can I. I’m horny as all fuck 24/7 an’ when I get me rocks off the effin Earth moves fer me – literally – an’ I screams me effin’ ‘ead off.”

Social worker and psychiatric evaluation reports presented to the court in her defence state that Fellatia suffers from what is known to medical science as a rare type of St. Vitus Dance termed the Chorea Syndrome, which prevents her from keeping her legs closed for more than two minutes at a time.
Apparently she further suffers from – or enjoys - an aggravated libido condition which causes her elevated sexual drive.

But Scumdale-on-Sea Magistrates' Court heard police arrested her on 18 April, on 22 April and again on 26 April, after reports from neighbours she was flouting the ban with her Albanian Pikey lodgers following binge sessions of booze and Viagra-popping.

Public Prosecutor Miss Candida Prim told the court neighbours on both sides of Ms. Sodomberg’s property complained to police about the late night noises coming from her bedroom, including ecstatic groans, orgasmic screams and protracted bangs and crashes caused by their sexual gymnastics.

Ms. Sodomberg elected to be tried at a Crown Court by a Judge and all-male jury, informing reporters “That old cow of a magistrate an’ the bitch prosecutor ‘ave got it in fer me cos they’ve probably never ‘ad a real orgasm in their poxy lives.”

Harley Street sexologist and STD consultant to the Royal family, Sir Quentin Bogbrush, and author of the best-selling ‘An Itchy Pussy Needs to be Scratched’, has agreed to give causative evidence - pro-bono - on Fellatia’s behalf at the trial.

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