Sunday, 12 July 2009

Obama Visits de Folks Back Home

US President Barky O’Barmy, on a rare trip back to Darkest Africa although born in Kenya, told a reporter from the Monkey Business Gazette he hopes his tour will prove that the basket case continent is not totally forgotten or dislocated from world affairs.

Mr O’Barmy arrived in Ghana to a delightful blend of muddled salutations from the crowds at the airport, starting with cheers of “Hello President Bush”, and ranging to audible comments of “Hey – de Pope’s come back again – he sure got one good suntan dis time.”

O’Barmy delivered a speech from behind his all-new and innovative portable solar-powered teleprompter, outlining an empty hope that good governance can flourish under the leadership of the new despot - er - President – Atilla O’Dinga – even though the entire nation stills sways in concert to the heady symphony of corruption’s drumbeat – with the political system rating top marks on the UN’s Corruption Perception Index.

A look of confusion seemed to stall O’Barmy’s pace when his planned Q and A session with schoolchildren was thwarted by questions of “When is de miracle you promised us going to happen your Holiness?” followed by a string of pious supplications including “God bless you, Pope Benny” and one exclamation of “I sure thought Martin Luther King was older than that!”
The audience came to an abrupt end when one ten-year old mulatto girl named Arkansas Alice called out “Mr. Clinton – Mammy sends her regards!”

When former US President Dodger Bill Clinton visited more than a decade ago, he met with thousands of cheering Ghanaians and gave away dozens of semen-stained souvenir ties to split-arsed wannabe pickaninny White House interns.

Mr O’Barmy arrived in the capital Accra late on Friday, fresh from the G8 summit in Italy where heads of state all chipped in to make a massive $20 slush fund to bolster an agricultural programme to develop cabbage patches across the country.

O’Barmy, who visited Egypt in early June to see the pyramids, enjoy a camel ride and hold talks with current Pharaoh Hosni Mubarak, said Ghana had been chosen for this timely visit because of its strong track record for producing alluvial gold and placer diamonds – and having proven deposits of the rare earth minerals Tantalum and Niobium – both vital to the US’s covert space weapons programme.

President O’Barmy’s Darkest Africa tour next takes him home to Kenya where he will meet over the weekend with close family and friends and attend a special bleaching of the bones séance ceremony during which he’ll get the chance to chat with his long-dead ancestors.

This will be capped with a traditional Luo tribal ‘Cannibals Delight’ barbeque followed by a Larry Sinclair style male bonding stag party blow-out with native liquor and narcotics galore.

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