Sunday, 19 July 2009

Harrods Bans Last of the Mohicans

A woman whose hair was cut in a Mohican style and dyed incandescent vomit green to raise money for the charity ‘Brain Dead’ was refused entry to Harrods in Shitesbridge because she breached the store’s regulations banning both Cowboys and Indians.

Unemployed wine taster Minnehaha Scruntbury, from the Wankford Reservation in Greater Manchester, was informed she would only be allowed in if she wore a wig or a head covering when she tried to shop at the prestigious London store.

The 17-year-old mother of four told the media she felt upset and embarrassed by the whole ordeal. “’Ere I woz, wiv me mate Hiawatha wot’s got ‘is ‘air all woven wiv mobs of seagull feathers wot we plucked out of dead scavvies at the local landfill site.”
“Anyways we woz just walkin’ in ter the shop an’ dis security guard bloke wiv a big beer gut an’ bad breath - like e’d bin eatin’ dogshit - comes up to me an sez “Fuck off Tonto and take Hawkeye wiv yer too.”

“Well, Hiawatha lost it an’ twatted the prick – really stuck the ‘ead on ‘im – so I put the boot in as well – right in ‘is bollocks - then the plods arrives an’ arrests us both.”

Minnehaha, rumoured by the gutter press to be a reformed rhubarb addict with connections to the Mumbai-based Lakota Sioux tribe of Indian Hindu extremists, originally had her hair styled in Mohican fashion last month to raise money for the Brain Dead charity after a family of nesting mice were surgically removed from inside her skull.

A Harrods PR spokesman, Fellatia Sodomotti, informed reporters : "Part of our dress code for customers includes extremes in personal presentation. If Ms. Scruntbury had agreed to leave her bow and arrows – and tomahawk - at the security counter and worn the proffered burka then there would have been no problem."

Conversely rumours abound that Harrod’s owner and conspiracy nut Pharaoh Mohammed al Fayed - father of Dodi, who was murdered in Paris alongside Princess Di’, has banned all Red Indian types since arch-evil bastard Prince Phillip threatened to have him snuffed for publicly declaring the couple were murdered by a Royal decreed assassination plot – reportedly telling Mr. al Fayed “I’ll have MI6’s Mohican ninjas grab yer scalp and yer scrotum Mohammed me lad, if you don’t keep yer effin' gob buttoned.”

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