Daft Food Issues Dominate Media Headlines

In a desperate bid to broadcast or publish any old shit to keep the British public distracted from the fact that ‘The End is Nigh’ and Western ciivilisation as we know it is about to go tits up in a Busby Berkeley extravaganza fashion, media sources have resorted to reporting on such asinine Earth-shattering news concerning the renaming of a curry and the sexual innuendo involved in advertising sausages.

A Scottish MP has posted a bill in Parliament calling for Glasgow to be officially recognised as the home of Britain's favourite – if misnamed – curry : the Chicken Tikka Masala.

The dish is one of the most popular of the Greedy Grocer’ supermarket chain’s ready-made insta- microwave meals – after, and a close second to, Spam Fritters, Beans on Toast, Toad in the Hole, Deep Fried Insta-Cornflakes – and Chip Butties.

Mohammad al Scumrat , Labour MP for Glasgow’s Gorbals Central, said he wanted the city to be given EU Protected Designation of Origin status for the curry – which should now be re-named Chicken Tikka McSala in recognition of its Scottish Highlands connection.

He has tabled an early day motion in the House of Conmans calling for other numpty Asian politicians to back his time-wasting campaign so it might earn him a few votes at the next election and distract the electorate from the fact he was recently pilloried in the press for claiming millions of pounds in dodgy expenses.

Mr al Scumrat claims the Tikka McSala dish owes its origins to the culinary skills of a certain 19th Century Paki’ chef – Mr Ali Ahmed McTwat, proprietor of the Punjabi ‘See You Jimmy’ restaurant in Caber Tossers Square at the west end of the city.

"Glaswegians loved the flavour of Asian spices but still wanted a bit of gravy on their haggis so Mr. McTwat pioneered great Asian food with a Scottish Highlands and Gorbals Slums twist to it."

Meanwhile, back at the oxygen-deprived deep end of the Advertising Standards Authority’s think tank, officials are ready to uphold complaints against innuendo-filled television adverts for Twatterson’s nine inch long uncircumcised ‘Old Dork’ Widow’s Memories sausages.

The ASA claims the adverts, which informed viewers this was the first sausage with a foreskin, and asked where they would like to "Stick It", should not have been aired when children, born-again Christian types or elderly spinsters were likely to be watching.

The ASA initially agreed with Numpty Kosher Foods, who manufacture the sausages, that the adverts were meant to be tongue-in-cheek, light hearted and were unlikely to cause serious offence to anyone not suffering from severe personality disorders or psychological problems.

The ASA rejected 21,000 complaints that the advertisements were offensive but did agree it constituted a sexually suggestive advertising campaign for ‘Pork’ sausages – which might be interpreted as being doubly offensive to Islamic and Jewish groups – and further construed as deliberately anti-Semitic.