Friday, 3 July 2009

Spy Squad Powers for H20 Barons

Water companies should be licenced to snoop on people's homes : gardens, kitchens - and bathrooms - just like regular backstabbing neighbourhood grassers and council snitches investigating threats of ‘domestic terrorism’ - to ensure they are not using too much water, a numpty report into the future of inaffordable water bills has recommended

Swimming pool owners, those with large ‘Eden Project’ rainforest style gardens, and others in areas prone to droughts – like Smegmadale’s ‘Sahara Sands' housing estate, - should be subjected to the compulsary installation of water meters as a matter of urgency, with companies applying redundant three-year old satellite images from Google Earth and investing in Predator drones to spy on and identify heavy water users evidenced by the lakes and cascades in their back gardens.

These are just some of the asinine recommendations put forward by Candida Twatrot, a junior civil service pratologist, in her 22,000-page interim report into domestic water bills, commissioned by New Labour’s Ministry for Wasting Money.

Ms. Twatrot’s report warns that all families should brace themselves for "substantially higher" water bills – quadrupled - over the next three years, as Britain's water supply steadily falls because of spiralling water main leaks and people drinking the stuff indiscriminately – even though the polar ice caps are melting at a geometric rate and we’ll all be paddling up to our knees even when visiting the Peak District.

Ms. Twatrot’s report further states that Britain’s traditional four seasons have now been reduced to three due climate change : not quite Winter – Winter - and July – with a reduction in rainfall resulting.

Twatrot informed a reporter from the Reservoir Watchers Gazette that “We have to be ready to meet our EU carbon exchange cap and trade obligations and do our bit to save what’s left of the British environment.”
“I know it’s a bit of a pain but that’s what Brussels are ordering us to do and we’re stuck with it. A bit like a ham and eggs breakfast really – the pig’s totally committed while the chicken’s only marginally involved.”

“Hence my plan is to empower water companies with the legal search authority to investigate excessive consumption and issue surcharges accordingly. This will also cover tropical fish tanks and pensioners with more than one goldfish bowl.”

Sir Montague Maytag, Secretary for Leaks at the Ministry of Drips, endorsed Ms. Twatrot’s report, declaring in an interview with Pox News that he would be seeking an EU-imposed ban on all dishwashers not manufactured by his company.

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