New Tory Laws Terrify Youth Offenders

Seizing children’s mobile phones, bicycles and Lego sets could deter them from getting into trouble, according to Wentworth Fuctifino, the Conservative Shadow Home Secretary.

Fuctifino told the media that giving the national Plod Squad powers to confiscate children’s property could become a kind of “21st-Century kick up the proverbial arse.”

The Conservatives say the idea is ‘really super’ and part of a broader criminal justice strategy, which is due to be unveiled as soon as anybody comes up with a realistic and workable scheme that stands a chance of being effective in the control of what the Tories term the hoodlum ‘Nokia generation’ – and whom the rest of polite society refer to as ‘yobs, scallies, chav shite, hoodie cunts and deadbeat scumbags.

Mr Fuctifino, who is viewed by critics as slightly out of touch with reality and classed as being ‘off planet’ for a while due his recent rehab’ from rhubarb addiction, claims the scheme came to him while drinking a Starsucks double Crappachino with choccie bits on top.
“We can hit the chavettes by confiscating their bling and doll’s houses and their mascara and lip gloss – then put them on a curfew so they have to be home and in bed by 6:00 pm – and no telly either.”

Fuctifino claims his brand of ‘community punishments’ would help plods to deal with antisocial behaviour without leaving children with a long-term criminal record that could harm their future employment prospects – if the Jobcentre ever has any work to offer them.

But Jack McTwat, assistant general secretary of the National Association of Yob Crushers, dismissed the plans as a superficial gimmick and as much chance of success as ‘shovin’ butter up a porcupine’s arse with a red hot knitting needle’.

McTwat further opined to the media: “All the evidence shows that the way forward with these effin’ hoodlums is rehabilitation, not pointless punishment.”
“Takin’ their mobile phones away will just encourage them to nick another one.”

“Wot we need is fresh legislation bringin’ in so kids are brought up in an incubator until they’re 16 years old then and put straight into the army up in Afghanistan’s Shitcreek Province. A couple of years in a cavalry regiment or chained to the oars of a Moroccan slave galley would do ‘em no harm.”