Australian Navy Probes ‘Next in Barrel’ Game

An investigation is under way in Australia over claims that navy sailors – both male and female - competed with each other to bed their colleagues – of either sex or orientation - for cash prizes from a burgeoning lascivious lottery slush fund that operated throughout the entire fleet.

A report in today’s Dingbat Gazette claims a cabal of perverted sailors aboard the HMAS Sodomites Surprise put a cash value on each carnal conquest's head.

Sleeping with a female officer or a lesbian, buggering a rear admiral or having sex in a strange place - such as a recycled body bag - or getting butt-fucked on the poop deck - won bigger dividends, according to reports.

The Defence Department in Canberra today confirmed that a number of dodgy digger deviants had been pulled off the ship and sent back to Australia to assist with investigations concerning reports of scandalous behaviour involving sphincter stretching and strapon dildo use from both female and male complainants – including the as yet unsolved buggering to death of the ship’s mascot - Gertrude the goat.

The HMAS Sodomites Surprise, which is manned by 220 ‘iffy’ crew members, is currently sailing around South East Asia making unofficial ‘rape and ruin clusterfuck’ courtesy visit port calls alongside its normal patrol duties of keeping the Indonesians from colonising the Northern Territories.

According to a further report in the Daily Shitraker the ‘next in the barrel’ contest came to light in May while the vessel was in Pattaya, Thailand for a standard courtesy visit and a barful of transvestite ladyboys were invited back to the ship after dark for what became known as a “Jolly Rogering”.

The report states the sailors recorded their efforts in a book called The Ledger, where dollar values were placed on a target’s various orifices, and they challenged each other to sleep with as many colleagues as possible.

Chief Petting Officer Sapphie Dildodo, a self-outed career lesbian, told Pox News “It’s the pooftas and the faggots that started this off. Now it’s like the old maxim that the navy’s run on Rum, Bum and Baccy.”

“Really, I only shag other Sheilas meself. But these dirty gits are round after slippin’ one up me arse every chance they gets – askin’ yer to look over the side of the ship and see if yer can spot the golden rivet or a Diamond-backed Dolphin.”

Conversely Naval Chief Admiral Bruce McBruce opined that “Nothing should preclude women from enjoying a full and rewarding career in the Australian Navy, as long as they didn’t mind taking it up the bum now and again.”
“I know I don’t – and personally I always found it a character-building experience.”