Monday, 13 July 2009

Numpty Dumpty Skewed News Roundup

The world record for competitive hot dog eating has been broken in – where else but the good ole’ US of A.

Joey "Jaws" Numbnuts ate 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes at the annual 4th July contest at Coney Island’s Auschwitz Stadium in New York, shattering his old record of 66.

His main rival, Japan's six-time Yakuza Belt winner Takeru ‘Tsunami’ Tatswiller, ate only 64 – and one of his own fingers. It is thought the two men scoffed down around 250,000 calories between them.

The tournament kicked off with forty entrants and what appeared to be some stiff opposition from three stone lightweight Ethiopian contestant Gwatcha O’Dinga who reportedly hadn’t eaten since the previous Thanksgiving Day.

O’Dinga was well ahead in the wiener scoffing frenzy until his thirty-fifth hotdog hit base and he suffered an involuntary bowel movement from one end while venting trapped wind - then chundered out of the other end - splattering the judges with his technicolour yawn - and was summarily disqualified.

The first such hot dog eating contest was held in 11,500 BCE, just after the Great Flood, when the winner, Mong, one of the first Neanderthals to innovate rudimentary cave drainage systems, put away only four freshly-barbequed daschunds.

Numbnuts and Tatswiller have gone gut-to-gut for almost a decade at the annual competition, which has typically become an Independence Day tradition in the US for the brainless peasantry.
This year's contest was broadcast live on sports channel ESPN, and featured much of the fanfare usually reserved for professional sporting events with depraved cheer leaders rubbing Colemans mustard into their pubic hair and then playing ‘Hide the Sausage’.

Numbnuts, who won his third straight title in a row, takes home $20 in prize money and the coveted Greedy Gannets Mustard Belt.

The 25 stone Californian, a professional couch potato, is a man of diverse taste, according to a report in this week’s ‘Slob’ magazine.

His other world records include wolfing down 5 kilos of macaroni and frog spawn in seven minutes; and two buckets of jalapeno peppers in half an hour.

Ole’ Jaws has also won awards for the Gross Bastards Olympics 100 meters events in projectile vomiting - and pebble dashing adobe walls with ballistic diarrhoea in suburban El Paso.


The UK foreign secretary has defended the position of the next head of MI6 after details of his private life were removed from social networking site Facebook by police anti-terrorist squad cyberspace watchdog censors.

David Millipede denied security had been compromised after the wife of Sir Morton Fuctifino posted family photographs and details of their children, household pets and home address in her Facebook contact profile.

Sir Morton is due to replace Sir Wilton Thort-Nott later this year as head of the UK’s main human rights abusers and false flag terrorist op’ fakers - the Secret Intelligence Service – or MI6.

Exposed by a report in this week’s Sunday Shitraker, journalists claim information published on Facebook included the couple's friendships with senior diplomats and TV personalities, including news reporter Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr and Esther ‘Pirhana Teeth’ Ranting.

Lady Fellatia Fuctifino, who suffers from a chronic case of ‘Blonde Moment Syndrome’, listed their address and contact details on her Facebook personal profile and the whereabouts of their three grown-up children - and her husband’s work colleagues, the report claims.

Lady Fellatia had not activated the privacy protection feature on her account, allowing any of Facebook's 200 million dodgy deviant users in the open-access network to see the entries – and had apparently accepted several Islamic terrorists as ‘friends’, including members of the Jolly Jihad radical militant group and Afghan terrorist leader Taliban Dan.

The profile coverage and photo albums also featured several family snaps, including one of Sir Morton wearing a black leather corset and suspenders during a visit to a ladyboy fetish club while heading a diplomatic mission to Thailand last year.

A member of Whitehall’s super-secret ‘Shush’ spy agency oversight committee, Darlston Gobbit, told a reporter from the Cormorant Stranglers Gazette “We can’t have Sir Morton’s air-brained missus pasting this kind of crap all over Facebook, now can we – how in Hell’s name are we supposed to keep the secret service a fucking secret?”


Harry Potter films actor Rupert Scrunt is recovering from a "mild bout" of swine flu, which doctors believe he caught from sleeping with pigs at Hogwarts College.

Scrunt, who plays trainee boy wizard Ronnie Wankrat, took a few days off filming but has now returned to the set of Harry Potter and the Deathly Dildoes.

Scrunt's doctor confirmed the 20-year-old actor had recovered and was no longer contagious or at risk of infecting others – unless intimate bodily contact took place.

Asked to elaborate on this point the doctor apparently advised reporters in a brusque manner “Use your fucking imaginations!”

However other members of the film’s cast believe Scrunt may well have been the victim of a minor curse or spell cast on him for always sucking up to Harry Potter’s spotty white arse – with prime evil blonde faggot scumbag Draco Malfoy pinpointed as the usual number one suspect.

The UK release of Harry Potter and the Shemale Witch will premier on July 15th in London, in which the boy wizard finally gets into Ginny Weasley’s knickers only to discover she’s a hermaphrodite sorceress – but not a bad shag regardless.


A Smegmashire beer festival was closed down prematurely after it was "drunk completely dry" organisers told a reporter from the Pisspots Gazette.

The Sunday session of the Beer in a Sow’s Ear festival was called off, despite an emergency delivery of twenty truckloads of Old Headbanger and Speckled Cormorant ale on Saturday afternoon.

The Smegmashire Campaign for Real Ale (Camra) announced: "The cider bar was dry at about 9pm and virtually the last drop of beer went by closing time."

Fellatia van der Gobble, from Camra, said Sunday's family fun events had been cancelled too because they’d also run out of soft drinks, meat pies, crisps and bog rolls.
She apologised for any disappointment caused and said this year the attendance had been about 3000% higher than last year – when the booze ran out before the festival started.

"People just kept drinking and drinking," Fellatia continued. "I mean it is a beer festival but we didn’t expect people to drink that much – probably because we’ve only organised cheese and wine parties for the Townswomen’s Guild before.”

While one of Ms. van der Gobble’s cheese and wine parties normally attracts about 50 old fogeys and temperance Methodist types over three days, about 3,800 die hard pissheads had already attended by Saturday night – with the under-16’s beer tent inhabited and surrounded by soporific teenage drunks and naked dogging couples.

Hector McTwat, a 96-year old local alcoholic, told Pox News “Fer Christ’s sake, wot kind of a beer festival runs outa beer, I ask yer – these people couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.”


A rollercoaster at a North Scumshire theme park is set to be officially named the world's steepest shit-scaring ride.

The three mile long Numpty Dumpty ride at Headbanger Land plunges down a near-vertical incline of 85 degrees from a high point of 5,000 feet.

A Guinness World Records adjudicator, Barton Watderfuck, who visited the park to test the ride and ratify the record before it opens to the public next Saturday, unfortunately lost his clipboard and shit his best pants during the first downhill run when the rollercoaster exceeded Mach 5 – after passing through the Prandtl-Glauert singularity effect and causing an N-wave phenomenon that shattered windows and dislodged roof tiles for miles around.

Passengers on the newly-assembled and modified rollercoaster, which cost £50 at one of NASA’s regular car boot sales in downtown Houston, will pull about 6Gs, in excess of the levels experienced by jet pilots and namby space tourists.

The modified ride was once part of a NASA / Reagan administration Space Wars Project to launch nuclear toboggans into orbit that could re-enter Earth's atmosphere and land in Siberia undetected.
Unfortunately the project was abandoned when it was discovered the huskies tasked to pull the sled vehicles kept dying from oxygen deprivation once they’d entered low Earth orbit.


The annual World Wife Carrying Championship, now in its 250th back-breaking hernia-inducing year, has taken place in Humperdink, eastern Finland.

A total of 36 competitors from 13 different nations took part in the championship.
Some participants came from as far away as Western Samoa, Australia, Ethiopia, Israel, Japan and the United States.

The actual races are run over a Japanese style ‘Ninja Warrior’ obstacle course, with the wife being carried in a variety of positions – fireman’s lift – donkey ride – cradled in the arms / bride over the threshold – and the everyday ‘deadweight around the neck’ format.

The heats saw the elimination of many unfit wannabe’s, including US entry Billy Bob Porkenberg succumbing to a fatal heart attack while trying to tote 250 pound couch spud wife Lorretta across the alligator-infested moat.

However the final resulted in a near neck to neck tie between Gaza-blasting Israeli army athlete Hymie Greedstein humping his five stone kosher missus Belsen Beryl around the course at max’ speeds - only to be beaten at the post by renown Ethiopian ‘all dick and ribs’ marathon runner Gwatcha O’Dinga carrying his skinny two stone spouse, Thin Lizzie, over the shoulder.

O’Dinga later confided to reporters “No shit man, that was real hard work cos ole’ Thin Lizzie done put on some real weight around de ass and de hips since we bin here in Finland.”


Beetroot with warts, two-legged carrots, parsnips with a kink and phallic-knobbed zucchini - odd-looking ‘ugly’ fruit and vegetables are making a comeback across Europe as idiotic 20-year-old EU rules are shit-canned.

Marketing classifications for 26 types of produce have been scrapped, in a drive to cut stupid EU bureaucracy and feed the starving recession-hit landless peasants of the community before incessant hunger kick starts a rolling stone revolution of Bolshevik proportions.

Conversely the standards will remain in place for several of the most popular types of erotic veggies such a Lesbian’s Delight cucumbers, Gay Pride sphincter-stretching egg plants, Green Mamba ribbed courgettes and Bumboy Bill’s Boomerang Bananas.

However certain veg’ which do not meet the required erogenous standard could still be sold, as long as they were labelled "product intended for eating" or equivalent wording – and not sexual stimulation.

A spokesman for the UK’s Greedy Grocer supermarket chain told reporters "We welcome this long-overdue ruling and look forward to selling curly cucumbers and knobbly carrots while ensuring the quality of our Ann Summers erotic veggies range isn't compromised.”

Although a manager at Pukesbury's, Candida Mingerot, opined that “Our ‘Snobs’ range of fresh vegetable and fruit goods are what attracts our upper-class widow and wealthy Sapphic clientele.”
“Hence we have no intentions of endangering their continued patronage by selling cucumbers and bananas that are so malformed and runcible they won’t hit the G-spot or induce multiple orgasms.”


A Smegmadale pervert and registered sex offender who suffered a heart attack while shagging a ewe lambsie-style last week in a hillside meadow is to be buried by fellow members of the Zoophilia Society in a sheepskin casket.

A West Smegmashire firm best known for making military uniforms still produces a range of woollen coffins for speciality order.

Frank Scrunt, spokesman for the Pudenda-based textile firm Wanksworth told a reporter from the Goat Bonkers Gazette they used 17th Century burial methods as inspiration for the woollen coffins and caskets in accordance with the 1667 Burial in Wool Act which stated the dead, except plague victims, should be buried in English woollen shrouds.

“We don’t get many orders for ‘em now – usually fer a funeral of a shepherd – or a sheep-shagger like Old George. I believe ‘e liked ‘is bit of mutton – if yer foller me meanin’ like – an’ used ter use mint jelly fer lubin’ 'is lambs up first instead o’ that KY stuff yer get from Boots pharmacy.”

“While I’m not inter bonkin’ sheep meself, I reckon it’s fittin’ that George’s mates are ‘avin’ ‘im buried in an ovid coffin. Seein’ ‘e died stuck up a sheep why not ‘ave ‘im buried inside one too, eh. Good send-off lads.”

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