Thursday, 2 July 2009

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Loony Bin

Socialite heiress Paris Stilton, the hedonistic wastrel great grand-daughter of hotel chain founder Harris Stilton, arrived in Dubai yesterday to promote her ‘In search of a new BFF’ reality TV show and interview candidates from the city state’s underground Lonely Lesbian Club.

Stilton was featured in one segment of her show cuddled up close and personal with a muzzled camel which prompted programme producer Billy Bob Scruntberg to tell a reporter from the Squanderer's Gazette “Hey, you know Paris – she’s always ready for a kinky hump.”

Ms. Stilton, who suffers from a chronic case of Blonde Moment Syndrome and is regarded by insiders as a ‘real dumb cunt’ apparently scored an astounding 42 in an online IQ test last year.

The Paris Stilton Foundation charity recently garnered a million dollar winning bid in an e-Bay auction for a signed STD prevention poster graced with a full body nude piccy of Paris – modelled in 2008 for the clap and pox infection awareness charity Scabs.

However, not all has gone as planned during her Eastern Promise tour according to a Pox News report.

Paris was recently in Bangalore, southern India, on a PR photo-shoot promo for her charity and reality show, where she was refused entry into a leper colony as it was feared the inmates might catch something nasty from her.


In the UK a ban on display cases of cigarettes and tobacco products comes into force today in a futile effort to help reduce smoking related illnesses - while drug dealers are clearly visible on any city street corner.

A Smegmadale couple who bought a box of assorted fizzy soft drinks at a Pikey Pete’s Pick and Mix car boot sale for £5 were amazed when after returning home and opening the box it contained a brand new laptop computer complete with the handbook and guarantee.

Scientists at Hormel’s processed meats research labs today revealed to the media their genetically-engineered hybrid cross between a pig and an elephant whose processed flesh is a perfect match for luncheon meat and will henceforth be named ‘The Spammoth’.


UK celebrity survivalist Ray Mears has introduced a couple of new items of quality fieldcraft cutlery items into his online store trekker range.

His innovative version of the Swiss original is the Irish Army knife which is equipped with a pick axe and a spade, plus a turnip peeler and a spud masher.

Ray also has plans for a Swiss Navy knife derivative too – one accoutered with a canoe paddle in the tool selection.


Police authorities in Sri Lanka have arrested a popular astrologer who has predicted the president will be ejected from office in the coming months.

Ranji Jaffacake announced at weekend that the government would flounder in September because of political and economic problems.

"The crime for which Mr. Jaffacake stands accused is of publishing an astrological column which was adverse to the government," opposition United National Party General Secretary Tiswas Alligator told a reporter from the Crystal Ball Review.

So convinced are superstition-riddled Sri Lankan politicians over the accuracy of astrology that many have their own personal seers who decide the auspicious times to launch any new initiatives – and hence - de facto - run the country.

President Flapjack has declared himself to be a believer, telling foreign reporters earlier this year that he often consults a favoured astrologer for advice on many issues – even what time of day to go for a shit.

Mr Jaffacake - who has a weekly television show and writes controversial political columns for a pro-opposition newspaper, is one of the most popular astrologers in the country – but unfortunately failed to predict his own arrest and incarceration.


The UK Foreign Office has demanded the immediate release of Iranian staff from its Tehran embassy who were arrested on Saturday for being what Republican Guard spokesman Mustapha Biscuits classed as ‘a bunch of shit-stirring radical scallies’ and ‘imperialist agents provocateur’.

The Iranian media earlier reported that thirteen local staff at the UK’s diplomatic mission had been detained by the Basij militia for their ‘considerable role’ in post-election demonstrations – from inciting riots to supplying US-made cheat software for Diebold ballot counting machines to anti-President Ahmasmadashell rabble.

UK Foreign Secretary David Millipede – applying his customary lack of logic and common sense - called the arrests of Iranian citizens - by Iranian police – under Iranian laws –- for crimes committed on Iranian soil - and against Iranian property - as ‘outright harassment’ and ‘an infringement of their human rights’.


The ‘Michael Jackson is Dead’ bandwagon gangs are doing the publicity circuits at full steam ahead – fuelled entirely on pathetic hypocrisy while all petitioning to join the queue to kiss his ‘coffin’.

With the gutter press scandal sheets claiming anything and everything from suicide to murder to a hard drug overdose – and even slow toxic poisoning from all the white paint he drank to lighten his complexion – the request for a ‘second autopsy’ now proves their points.

While he might well have been a pedo’ kiddie fiddler, and remembered by millions of baby boomers from when he actually used to be black – and look like a normal 'Mama’s boy' teenage negro youth, Jackson was a true musical performer and artist – who unfortunately – like legions of contemporaries before him – succumbed to the thralls of stardom and celebrity status and became a wee bit strange.


British feminist groups and other split-arsed whingeing PMS harpies have lodged protests with Defra’s environment department concerning the ‘swarms’ of insects making a ‘bee line’ (no pun intended) for them during the current barmy summer days.

These numpty entomophobiacs spray themselves with all manner of flower and plant extract essences and scents – from foot to head – in an attempt to disguise their inherent piscine pubic odour and attract the male of the species - then complain when insects try to alight on them due sensing “Hello, that bitch smells a bit of all-right – I think I’ll have a closer sniff,” wholly mistaking the slapper for a pollen and nectar-bearing plant – even if the IQ is approximately the same.


Plans to drastically decrease the use of plastic carrier bags are to be revealed by the Welsh Assembly Government later and predicted to ignite the biggest political debate in its long 12 year history as a legislative body since they passed a controversial 2005 law which outlawed sheep shagging in public.

Minister for Old Bags Blodwyn Mingerot is expected to announce a series of far-reaching proposals which could see shops charge as much as £15 for each bag under Wales’ new carbon exchange cap and trade initiatives.

If agreed, Wales may well then lead the known Universe in reducing plastic bag use.

However BBC Wales reported that while the move might be welcomed by environmentalists it is certain to be criticised by the plastics and packaging manufacturing industry as such cuts will lay thousands out of work across Wales.

A plastics industry spokesman from Bags-R-Us told the BBC that due the fear of job losses in their industry they want more emphasis placed on encouraging people to re-use their shit-covered old plastic bags – and a scientific think tank research group establishing to conjure numpty uses for second-hand carrier bags – possibly in the space exploration industry.

According to the Toxic Waste Chronicle an estimated 480 million carrier bags are used in Wales each year then dumped in coastal landfill sites - where it takes over two weeks for seagulls and cormorants to digest a single one.

Colwyn Bay abortionist Twatwyn Jones told a reporter from the Three Baggers Gazette that “It’s bloody barmy if you ask me – wot do they sell in supermarkets as kitchen waste bin liners ? – bleedin’ plastic bags, don’t they.”

“I always recycle mine as they’re very handy for stuffing foetuses in – and suffocating unwanted babies and children you can no longer afford to feed.”
“I bury the effin’ things at the bottom of my garden under a layer of quicklime – that rots everything away nicely.”


Hardline Islamist militiamen in Somalia, which has been without an effective government since the dawn of time, have stoned to death a man accused of buggering goats.

The execution took place in front of a large crowd of ravenous vultures in the town of Whatdefuck, about 55 miles south of the shithole capital of Mogadishu.

The man was convicted by an unofficial court of unwashed beardies set up by the fanatical al-Shabab fundamentalist movement.

"This man was accused of raping several goats earlier this year. The court found him guilty of the charges brought against him," Sheikh Rock n Roll, a local al-Shabab official, told the Barbarians Gazette on Sunday.

“He was a married man, so there is no excuse for bonking goats – even if his wife is an ugly old bag - which is why the court sentenced him to be stoned to death," he added, explaining that a regular rape conviction for single males only incurs a slap on the wrist.

"Ten masked men from the al-Shabab forces stoned him to death in front of everyone. They had dug a hole and buried him to his neck before throwing cobbles at him," he informed the media. “Our local HSE officer insisted that the man be allowed to wear a safety helmet – that is why it took so long to crush his skull.”

Paradoxically, in a country where piracy on the high – or low – seas - remains a legitimate pursuit, on Thursday in Mogadishu, al-Shabab - which advocates a strict form of Sharia - publicly amputated the right hand of a man convicted of stealing a pair of gloves, and the right foot of one wench accused of nicking a pair of shoes. The fate of a man convicted of stealing a pack of condoms is as yet unknown.


Anti-fluoridation lobby extremists in Australia are on the ball and have threatened to snuff the Victoria state cabinet minister responsible for adulterating their water supply.

An intimidating message - srcawled in blood across the gutted pelt of her pet platypus ‘Ducky Bill’ - was nailed to a post on Wallamaroo-based Community Services Minister Lisa Scrunt's verandah on Saturday night.
The note read: "Thanks for poisoning our water, bitch – you’re next."

Police spokesman Bruce McBruce told a reporter from the Roo Bonkers Weekly “We’re hot on the trail of the offenders and will be interviewing anyone seen buying bottled water.”


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