Saturday, 11 July 2009

Chinese Fire Drill in Riot-Torn Wanking

The situation in China's riot-torn city of Wanking is now under control after the deployment of thousands of troops, according to the local Communist propaganda authority spokesman Miss Flip Flop Fong.

Mr. Fok Yew Tu, Secretary of the ruling Politburo’s Beijing-based Commission for Conciliation, Compassion and Forgiveness , vowed that all those found guilty of murder during the riots would be put to death, their internal organs sold to Western devil transplant clinics in Europe, and their gutted carcasses hung in the trees for scavenging birds to feast upon.

The unrest between ethnic Muslim Uglies and immigrant Hangdog Chinese began on Sunday with the ensuing riots leaving thousands of people dead on both sides – even before Beijing's shaock and awe stormtroopers arrived and opened fire with automatic weapons - shooting anybody old enough to bleed.

Chinese President Hu Sed Wot was forced to cut short his visit to the G8 summit in L’Aquila, Italy – and cancel the rest of his scheduled European itinerary, including a trip to Portugal to give a speech on the joys of Communism at the famous Tapas Seven Baby-Snatchers CafĂ©.

Mr Hu arrived back in Beijing in total dummy-spitting mode – to assume personal control in tackling the crisis and sort out what he described to reporters at Pisa airport as “Yet another headless chicken Chinese fire drill” – before ordering his police commander to place Wanking under martial law and shoot anyone who dared spit or fart.

Pox News quoted Wanking’s police chief - General Kun Kare Less - as stating that many people accused of murder had already been arrested and that most of them were radical shit-stirring students from both sides of the warring community factions

In excess of 15,000 people are currently confined in Wanking’s three-cell jail house - which was euphemistically described to journalists as being “quite full and smelly” – as it is only equipped with a single flush toilet.

Tensions have been growing in Wanking for many years, as Hangdog Chinese migrants have poured into the region, where the Muslim Uglies marginalised minority is concentrated.

The violence began on Sunday when the Muslim Uglies applied typical numpty Chinese logic in organising a rally to protest against a deadly brawl between Uglies and Hangdogs at a toy factory in Dingdong province last week – two thousand miles to the south – that had erupted after Hangdog workers had spiked the Muslim Uglies’ lunchtime noodle soup with pork chops and bacon slices as a joke.

The BBC's Quentin Fuctifino, in Wanking, claims the authorities have been under intense pressure to resolve the crisis as soon as possible amid the scathing embarrassment of President Hu Sed Wot having to cancel his G8 attendance to deal with the situation personally – which they fear might result in a catastrophic ricochet fall-out scenario - initiating their demotion and reassignment to Beijing’s sanitation department as junior pavement lickers.

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