Saturday, 11 July 2009

Sorcery Industry Unaffected by Recession

The UK’s Jobcentre Plus website is advertising a "Wicked Witch" vacancy with Dark Ages theme park Nookey Hole, in Scumerset, for £50,000 a year – plus added benefits, pension scheme and a guaranteed annual Halloween bonus – and includes a custom-built supercharged broomstick that comes with the job.

The witch, who has to live in the site's caves – up to her knees in bat shit - is expected to teach witchcraft and magic, cast spells and curses, mix potions and not be a squeamish or do-gooder type.

Ms. Candida Fuctifino, personnel manager for Nookey Hole, told a reporter from the Warlocks Gazette that the job was quite straightforward : live in the cave, look like a witch - and do the things witches do.

The advert for the post, placed in the local press as well as job centres, says applicants must be able to cackle like a crack-brained crone, know how to stir a scalding cauldron of newt’s ears and toad’s testicles, have genuine warts and not be allergic to cats.

The job vacancy has recently arisen after the previous witch retired from the role following a low flying accident over the M25 motorway on the night of the Spring equinox when she collided with a traffic police helicopter while under the influence of drink after consuming several bottles of ‘Wicked’.

Ms. Fuctifino further explained to the press “Nookey Hole wants the appointee to go about her everyday business as a stinking unwashed hag, so that tourists passing through the caves can get a sense of what the place was like in the Dark Ages – pretty fucking grim – no running water, no crapper and no gas or electric.”

"These were the times when an old woman lived in the caves with some goats and a dog - and a few cats to keep the vermin down - causing a variety of social ills, including crop failures, generalised pestilence and even death – then eventually ended up on a ducking stool and got her arse burned at the stake – which was later considered a major deterrent to girls considering a career in witchcraft."

The £50,000-a-year salary is pro rata, and based on curses and spells cast to order, largely in the summer holidays, but with 24/7 overtime around Halloween and at Christmas.

It said ambitious witches looking for a "key career move" should arrive dressed for work armed with any "essential witch accoutrements" – up to and including their own black cloak, wide brimmed conical hat, a selection of wands, voodoo dolls, Ouija board, a current UK broomstick pilot’s licence – and a freshly coiffured Gorgonesque hairstyle – resplendent with venom-spitting serpents.

Due to the UK’s complex sexual discrimination laws, Nookey Hole cannot demand that the post is filled by a woman so naturally-mangy transvestites are invited to apply also.

Interviews, which will involve on-site assessments and trade tests incorporating a range of standard tasks, including the creation of crop circles, wand-waving and casting the evil eye to petrify mock victims – are scheduled to take place on 6th August by the light of the next full moon.

Applicants will be vetted scrupulously regarding past references and an NVQ1 in Necromancy is the minimum qualification diploma required.
Further, an official police clearance will be obligatory stating they are not registered sex offenders or possessed by nymphomanic type succubus tendencies.

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