Keep Britain Tidy – Ship the Shit to Brazil

Two dodgy British companies are being investigated following the discovery of millions of tonnes of hazardous waste shipped from the UK and discarded indiscriminately around Brazilian ports.

Worldwide Shit-Dumpers and UK Brit-Crap Recycling, which coincidently share the same dodgy directors and are based in Scumbury, were named by Brazil’s environment inspectorate, MERDA, as suspected of being involved in the illegal shipment of toxic hospital waste, plus assorted industrial and commercial crap, to the country.

In the Brazilian port of Guarujá, near São Paulo, one reporter from the Daily Shitraker was shown 250 containers yesterday crammed with all kinds of nasty crap shipped across from the UK.

A crushed bottle of Greedy Grocer brand Wankozade isotonic drink and one of Pukesbury’s ‘Snobs’ range of empty orange juice cartons offering the promise of a ticket to the BBC’s ‘Most Crooked MP of the Year” awards betrayed the origin of one consignment.

A box of pirate DVDs entitled ‘The NWO’s Climate Change Conspiracy’ boasting the logo of Britain’s National Environment Research Directorate (NERD) lay on top of another pile.

Empty Chew & Spew polystyrene fast food cartons, bags of over-ripe dogshit - plus boxes of shredded account spread sheets bearing the name of a London bank - and its address and telephone numbers - peeked from the foundations of a new housing estate currently being constructed on top of acres of Brit-Crap garbage illegally dumped on a coastal landfill site.

The Brazilian companies that received some of the containers of waste claimed to have been expecting recyclable sex toys from the prestigious Ann Summers super-dil’ range.
Instead MERDA inspectors rooting amongst the crap for anything of use or resaleable value found syringes, condoms and piles of radioactive waste labelled ‘Sellafield’ in the containers – and only a singular antique clockwork Jackrabbit vibrator with a broken main spring.

UK-based Worldwide Shit-Dumpers is registered at Companies House as “an international sex aids recycling corporation that exports all types of second-hand erotic stimulation devices to our partners in South America.”
The company collects discarded vibrators, butt plugs and blow up dolls from commercial recycling Dildo-Dump wheelie bins across the UK.

Worldwide Shit-Dumpers and UK Brit-Crap Recycling were founded by Cuzo da Paneleiro and Chupa Minha Rola, who originally came to Britain from Brazil in 2005 to fill the gaping vacancies for electricians caused by the Metropolitan Police’s massacre of Arabic-looking South American types at Stockwell tube station that July.

MERDA investigators further claim that not only is toxic
commercial waste being shipped to and dumped in Brazil but also regular household garbage.

Fellatia van der Gobble, the official NERD spokeswoman, informed reporters that with the UK’s local council draconic regulations governing the amounts and types of garbage homeowners can dispose of in their wheelie bins without incurring heavy fines and prison sentences has prompted many people to donate their garbage to Third World charity groups or take the cheaper route of simply posting it via Royal Mail to far away Brazil – where the nuts apparently come from.

Fellatia further opined that Brazil had obviously become the next dumping ground of choice for international criminal gangs of toxic fly-tippers since Ghana was recently declared by the United Nations to be officially full of unwanted shite.