Second Oldest Profession Hits Headlines

A German brothel is doing its bit to help the burgeoning carbon footprint reduction effort by going green in a bid to attract more business in tough economic times – and preserve the environment.

Customers who arrive by bicycle at Berlin's ‘Smiley Face Slut’s Salon’ will receive a five euro discount on the usual fee of 70 euros - plus a free Black Mamba ribbed condom.
The discount also applies to those horny perv’s who can prove they walked or rode public transport to get there, bordello Madame Inger Dropnicks told a reporter from the Knocking Shop Gazette.

"It's good for business, it's good for the environment and it's good for the girls," she added. “The customers are really up for a good shagging session after a spot of cardio-vascular exercise - riding a bike across Berlin to come here and get their rocks off.”

The recession had hit the sex-for-sale industry hard, Ms. Dropnicks related but the offer appeared to be working as their car park was full of bicycles from noon to midnight.

"We have around thirty new customers coming in daily to take advantage of the discount," she claimed, adding the green concession scheme had helped ease traffic congestion and freed up parking in the neighbourhood.

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Across Europe in London however, where the second oldest profession is still frowned upon and exists as a covert commercial enterprise, a cgeometric increase in prostitution and sex trafficking is forecast for the 2012 Olympics.

A report by the Metropolitan Brazilian Electrician Snuffers Authority (MBESA) warned the increase in dodgy deviants and perverts visiting the city for the games could see a rise in daily instances of rape and kiddie fiddling - apart from the Biblical legions of unemployed slappers taking to the streets and flogging their gollies to horny foreign types with a few bob to spend on a knee trembler.

Thousands of site workers, spectators and athletes are expected to fuel the sex industry boom.

It is estimated that in the lead up to the Games, 100,000 people will be involved with the preparation, and the event itself will manifest the arrival of 10,500 athletes, hundreds of thousands of spectators and 20,000 journalists – all of whom are forecast to be on the lookout for a ‘souvenir quickie’ during their visit.

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Japan's love motels are attracting interest from more than just single or adulterous couples looking for a place to spend a few private hours and shag each others brains out in erotic comfort.

Investors are also interested, with this vast market proving more resilient to the recession than luxury tourist and business hotels.

Japan has a conservatively-estimated 25,000 short time love motels which are visited an estimated 500 million times a year – but not by the same couple.

Clustered around train and bus stations, they are doing a brisk business despite the worst recession in living memory.
Flamboyantly designed and exotically named – such as the Pom-Pom Motel or Suck n Fuck Chalet - they offer rooms by the hour, euphemistically marketed for a short rest or a longer – overnight - stay.

Contact with staff is kept to a minimum. This is a business that runs on discretion.
Some have underground car parks and entrances, while others provide screens to shield visitors' number plates from spying private detectives, divorce investigators and a variety of kinky perverts who get off on voyeurism.

Legions of customers use love motels to indulge in illicit and clandestine affairs – with adulterous wives, secretaries willing to do anything for a higher pay scale, and to meet prostitutes, although many are couples escaping the narrow confines of Japanese apartment living for a couple of hours of private carnal pleasure.

Ms Aji No Moto and partner Dim Sum Dum are typical of Japanese in their twenties, still living with their parents and siblings.
Dim Sum told a reporter from the Short Time Gazette “Our apartment only has one big room, apart from the outside crapper and shower, so at night when we make love my Mum and Dad turn the telly off and watch us humping – it is most embarrassing and puts me off my stroke.”

“So when we get our salary each month we head off to the Horny Dragon Motel for a couple of hours of carnal privacy and have a good bonking session.”
“This is very good motel as they have bondage theme rooms where we can dress up and play doctors and nurses or get into Kempeitai uniforms and BD/SM games and spank each other.”

Speaking on conditions of anonymity, Yakuza snitch Fok Yew informed Pox News "Not like city hotels, not like business hotels - for our gang’s short time love motels we have kept a 400% occupancy rate, so each room is, on average, used four times a day – but you get clean sheets after the last occupants have ‘come’ and gone - and – you can have a choice of blow-up dolls with real pubic hair and a vibrating vagina if you’re too ugly to get laid for free – or too cheap to pay a whore for a hour's fun.”

For those who suffered from chronic Truant Syndrome while supposedly attending school, prostitution is classified as the ‘second oldest profession’ - the first being grave-digging.