Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Pope Benny : Age of Miracles Alive n Kickin’

A string of miracles attributed to 15th Century Spanish Dominican Cardinal Tommy Torquemada has been recognised by Pope Benny – the all-new German built-to-last Mk.XVI papal model.

The Vatican has approved claims the cardinal's intervention cured thousands of infidels, Jews, Muslim, Pancake Tuesday Adventists and other heathen types of their heresy after being tortured at his hands – who all went on to gain entry to the Christian Heaven and sit at the right hand of God – until things got ridiculously overcrowded and some had to sit on His left.

Cardinal Torquemada, who founded the Spanish Inquisition and was known for carrying out God’s work with heathens, pagans and others of little Orthodox Christian faith, died in 1498 during a pandemic outbreak of Sneezy Pig swine flu virus.

The cardinal, a convert from orthodox Satanism, could be the first non-martyred Spanish Catholic saint since the Creation – circa 4004 BC.
Born in 1420, Cardinal Torquemada, the son of a fourth-generation Seville tomcat strangler, converted to Roman Catholicism in 1445 after years of Devil worship and sodomy left him with a prolapsed anal sphincter and a manic depressive / bipolar disorder.

He is best remembered for his zealous, festive campaigns against the crypto-Jews and infidel Muslims of Spain, and was personally responsible for the funding and choreography of Alhambra’s celebrated ‘Let’s Light up the Skies’ jubilee in 1492 that saw the ritual burning at the stake of a mixed horde of 2,000 heretics – accompanied by the sound of the Grand Inquisition’s brass band and a fabulous fireworks display.

Further, Torquemada’s regular Sunday afternoon auto-de-fe barbeques became a byword for gourmet al fresco dining in 15th Century Spain.

While the imminent canonisation of Torquemada has received a mix of mild criticism to outright condemnation from human rights groups around the world it is generally agreed by secular and sectarian authorities alike that he was a bit of a nasty twat and not the type of person you would like as a Sunday School teacher, or trust to babysit the children - or hire as a dog walker.

Conversely there has been a growing campaign among religious fanatics and international sadist organisations for Torquemada to be elevated to sainthood, with the website and the Genocide Gazette actively crusading for the Vatican to recognise and acknowledge the long list of miracles attributed to him.

However Torquemada’s beatification hit an obstacle recently when his grave in Avila, Spain was exhumed at the request of the Vatican but his remains were found to be missing, confirming rumours that his tomb had been desecrated and his bones fed to a pack of wild dogs by Christian reformers from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in 1832.

Nevertheless Torquemada’s sainthood has now been approved by the College of Cardinals and the Holy See, with spokesman Fr. Mafio Fuctifino informing the Crucifixion Weekly : “Hey guys, that’s what faith is all about. Miracles do happen and if an ex-Nazi type like Joey Ratflinger can become Pope Benny XVI then there must be an Omnipotent power somewhere in the Universe.”

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