Thursday, 16 July 2009

NHS : A Shag A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

The UK’s inept National Health Service makes one of its more paradoxical statements - addressed to school children - by announcing their God-given right to 'an orgasm a day' – which in their profound wisdom consider might well keep the doctor away.

The squirly NHS ‘roundabouts and swings’ guidance is advising school pupils that they have a "right" to an enjoyable sex life and that regular sex can be good for their cardiovascular health and relieving all manner of psychological stress.

The advice appears in illustrated booklets circulated to parents, teachers, youth workers and school children from age nine on, and is meant to update sex education by telling students about the benefits of enjoyable sex – including sketches of the Kama Sutra’s Thousand and One sexual positions, how to perform 69 in comfort and not get a stiff neck, the best lubrication for trying anal sex and a blasting of the urban myth for girls that ‘suck and swalow’ is fattening.

The paradox in this case comes from a total 180 degree swing in government policies, for while sermonising to schoolkids on the one hand to abstain from sex before marriage to avoid unwanted pregnancies – and prevent contracting AIDS / HIV and other nasty STD’s such as galloping cock rot or FPS – Festering Pussy Syndrome – now the NHS are telling them to go for it and bedamned.

NHS Muppet Show consultant sexologists, Doctors Statler and Waldorf, the authors of the 'Sex for Dummies' guidance booklet, claim that for too long experts have concentrated on the need for "safe sex" and archaic Church-orientated committed relationships while ignoring the principle reason that many people have sex – because it feels great – and in the case of prostitutes – can earn a whole shitpile of money for lying on your back and enjoying yourself.

Entitled ‘Simple Pleasures’, the booklet has been drawn up by the NHS’s main research think tank in Sesame Street, but is being circulated nationwide and the carries the slogan "An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away".

It also states: "Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes' physical activity three times a week – plus a wank a day if you’re too ugly or stupid to get laid.”

Obviously the booklets have grabbed the attentions of the intended readership, with schoolkids posting their comments and ‘sexperiences’ on the NHS’s ‘Simple Pleasures’ website at a geometric rate of knots.

11-year old Candida Muffitch posted “It woz effin’ great – I got me end away in me Dad’s garden shed wiv a lad from off the next estate wot’s got a paper round down our road. He shagged me brains out then shoved it up me arse as well, then made me give him a gam. Orgasms ? – I reckon I could do wiv three a day.
We’re gonna try bondage and spankin’ next week too.”

Ronnie Scrunt, a 13-year old pupil at Smegmadale Asbo Central High posted “Wot a fab book – best I’ve ever read - I cum dat many times me balls are rattlin’ – but why der fuck does a bitches pussy ‘ave ter smell like a fishmonger’s shop?”

Conversely, the new head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, Archbishop of Westminster Vinnie Nichols, who turns 163 in August, told a reporter from Hustler magazine that while the issues of ‘sex and orgasm’ were not ones he had ever participated in or experienced himself, he considered the booklets were "deplorable" and the NHS now an institution sunk to the levels of Sodom and Gomorrah.

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