Friday, 31 July 2009

Monkey Business Threat to Punjabi Government

Wildlife officials in India had planned to build a special school to improve the behaviour of delinquent monkeys.
They claimed their aim was to target miscreant Macaques that had been issued ASBO’s and posed a serious threat to society and civilisation in the state of Punjab.

However government authorities now claim the situation has spun out of control and monkeys have become a growing menace in Punjab as they move into towns and cities, setting up radical militant cadres at the local simian religious madrassa schools and threatening the established human social and political orders.

The recent spate of cross-species social interaction problems have been scrutinised by zoologists and determined to be caused by a sudden surge in the monkey’s IQ powers which conspiracy theorists and doomsayers alike claim is due the apes feasting on Monsanto’s genetically-modified banana and maize crops.

While 50% of the primates have demonstrated definite boosts in intelligence by joining libraries, enrolling for university courses and getting jobs with brand-name banks, many more have devolved into street crimes – shoplifting, drug-pedalling, muggings and armed hold-ups – with legions becoming addicted to chewing the narcotic wild rhubarb which grows in abundance across the province – and consequently becoming total social dropouts – even by mutinous monkey standards.

Alcoholism is also a problem, with the favoured tipple being the potent distilled ‘banana bender’ liquor, brewed exclusively for the discerning primate palate by the Manky Monkey Works in Amritsar.

Punjab authorities suspect the migration of the Macaque primate population into the province’s main cities may be a pre-planned political strategy as it is estimated some of the more radical and rogue elements of the monkey troops have been indoctrinated with the Taliban’s fundamental Islamic ideology and infiltrated into the Punjab from neighbouring Pakistan.

Conversely troops of monkeys have been observed by government spies wearing turbans to copy the headgear of the predominantly Sikh population.

Punjabi Minister for Primate Affairs – Mr. Ramjam Full – speaking candidly with a reporter from the Monkey Business Gazette – opined that he could foresee a Planet of the Apes type scenario manifesting in the province – with the newly-founded Primate Party gaining a majority of seats in the forthcoming elections if monkeys registered with local authorities and were granted voting rights.

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